How not to be afraid of loneliness
Text: Olga Miloradova
You may be sitting in your nice, cozy apartment now. with children, husband and dog and think: no, loneliness - it's all about me. I'm sure everything's fine. But the fact of the matter is that this is about everyone. And sometimes especially about those who jumped into marriage, children and dogs immediately from warm parental hands. Or those who jump from relationship to relationship, afraid to stop and face fear and powerlessness.
Loneliness is a very difficult topic. Painful and familiar to many. Someone more consciously, some not. But by and large, almost all of us from him, at least temporarily, run. And some can run their whole lives, chasing away disturbing dreams, thoughts and revelations. The only way to come to terms with loneliness (it is almost impossible to finally defeat him) is to recognize, realize and feel. It is better to know the enemy by sight, and it must be noted that loneliness is not homogeneous. According to the theory that I adhere to, there are three types of it: interpersonal, intrapersonal, and existential. With interpersonal everything is most understandable, it is physical and tangible, few friends, no love, difficulty with social contacts ... But it is also the simplest. And often under the guise of escape from interpersonal loneliness, we run away from some other.
Intra-personal - the most difficult. This is loneliness from self and self. It happens when a person suppresses his own feelings and aspirations and replaces them with the desires of others or with concepts of what should and what should be done, suppresses his individuality. Perhaps your parents suppressed your desire to think and decide. Perhaps it was easier to go with the flow. And finally, the existential is the most important, because it is they who suffer absolutely everything, but it is precisely him that we do not want to see and recognize at all.
So why is all this important? Because in the case of intrapersonal and existential loneliness, we will most likely look for an opportunity to dissolve in the crowd, friends, activism, and most often, of course, in a partner and, naturally, voicing the fact that you are alone, just until you merge together and lived happily ever after. And this is where the main dilemma arises, that there is no "happily ever after". Because if a relationship is your only salvation, then somewhere inside there will always be anxiety. Relationships happen to fall apart. Relationship ends. We are all mortal in the end. And it is terrible that every one of us is mortal. Only in fairy tales die together. No one can die for us. That is, physically, yes, let us say, substituting oneself under the bullet, but this does not save us from the prospect of inevitable death once again. No one can die with us. No one can share these experiences with us.
Often we adapt to our loved ones, to our social circle, embarrassed by what we really like, embarrassed ourselves.
And therefore, before each of us there is a dilemma - the dilemma of merging-isolation. And the resolution of this dilemma is the main existential task of development, the outcome of which, in particular, is the confrontation of loneliness, deliverance from fear and anxiety. A person must be separated from another in order to experience isolation; he must be alone in order to experience loneliness. At a minimum, he first had to separate from his family, meet with himself, understand what he personally likes, what habits and needs he has, how he likes to spend time, what makes him laugh, and what upsets him. These, at first glance, trivialities, we often adjust to our loved ones, to our social circle, embarrassed about what we really like, embarrassing ourselves, being afraid of being ridiculous or tasteless or not deep enough and intellectual, or, on the contrary, too clever, and "women cannot be."
Meeting with loneliness ultimately creates an opportunity for a person to be truly included in another person, to truly love, if you want. And despite the fact that no relationship can destroy loneliness, love can compensate for the pain of isolation, love, where your beloved is not an object for which you cling out of fear, and where you are equivalent, know how to see a real person, do not live in anticipation " and what will he give me? ", do not invent illusions and artificial images of princes or princesses, know how to listen, but do not tell the story yourself.
Do not try to abandon its isolation - it is she who makes us ourselves. Only in this way can we be happy alone with ourselves, only in this way can we truly love and be loved. Do not pursue a dubious alternative to dissolve in another person or divine essence.