Life with alopecia: I lost my hair, but gained faith in myself
I remember very clearly how it all began. It was 2007. I had long dark thick hair that I was keeping for graduation. And I went to the hairdresser, which I then had, to make a spectacular haircut. And she suddenly asks me: "How are you feeling, have you been nervous lately?" I joked in response: haha, they say, the last year of the gymnasium, grades, exams - of course, I was nervous! "Why are you asking?" - took an interest. And she said to me: "You just have here, behind your neck, no hair." I'm like, "What ?!" And she: "Well, myself, here, feel, you have such a spot here." She showed me in a mirror, and I thought: "Here is a pancake!"
My biggest fear was to become a bald aunt. Not only that, I was already full, I will now become bald too
At this moment I, of course, could not even imagine what a speck it would be important for my whole life. I went to the prom, everything was cool. But already in 2007, the year everything began to change. I didn’t know then that I had problems with thyroid, but I often felt bad, I was depressed. I started to get fat, and plus began to fall hair. And I was generally quite lost. Well, how else - I'm 18 years old, and I'm depressed, my hair falls out and I'm getting fatter.
Two years, probably, passed in this mode, and during this time the bald spot on the neck became larger, it was already seven centimeters in diameter. But I didn’t do anything then, I decided to just ignore the problem. I thought: well, well, okay, well, I have a hairless section around my neck. But he is there, where he, except for me, no one sees. And here was the summer of 2009, I was working on vacations in the social assistance company, when my health deteriorated sharply. One day I felt very bad at work, as if I was very drunk. I talked to the nurse, she said: "You need to go to the doctor and find out what's going on with you."
I had already managed to get very well then, in a year and a half I gained 40 kilograms, and I did not change the diet. And in general, I felt terrible. The doctor said: "You have problems with the thyroid, it is not working intensively enough." And the thyroid gland is responsible for hormones and metabolism. This explains the weight gain. In general, the doctor told me about the thyroid gland and gave me pills. I asked him just in case and about the hair. And he replied: "No, you know, this is not related to thyroid, it is something else, I will refer you to a specialist now."
A couple of months I was given a reception by a specialist, and he told me that yes, you have alopecia. I was already googling all this then, in fact, so I was just waiting for the confirmation of the diagnosis. The doctor said that exactly what baldness will be - partial or complete - is now impossible to determine. He tried to calm me down, saying that most people with alopecia return their hair. But, of course, I then had a panic inside. It was my biggest fear at this moment - to become a bald aunt. Not only that I was already full, I will now become bald too. Thick and bald.
In Sweden, there is an organization for people with alopecia, and after a visit to the doctor and the confirmation of the diagnosis, I decided to go to an event for them. I went there with my boyfriend at the time. But then I was at the stage of denial, so that as soon as we entered, I protested inside: no, it's not me, it's not for me! I didn’t want to identify myself with these people and with alopecia ... I remember there was one woman - she was about 40-45 years old - who showed a short documentary about how she lost all her hair.
We talked, and I directly felt that bli-and-and-in — I don't want to become like her, never, for nothing. A few months later, her documentary was shown on TV. And then I was sitting at home and crying just sobbed. Because I already had a premonition that this would be so, I would lose all my hair. It was a terrible feeling. At that moment I had bald areas not only around my neck, but also appeared near my ears. In 2011, it happened that we broke up with my boyfriend, Thomas. And after that, alopecia increased dramatically - stress, of course, always affects the general condition of the body. We parted in the fall of 2011. In the spring of 2012, I became completely bald.
The day I first shaved is very important in my story. I parted company with Thomas, arrived at my new apartment and just sat at home in the dark, crying and pulling my hair out in tatters. I felt nothing - I could pull my hair, and it fell. I was desperate. I needed to find something to stop it all. I googled alopecia, was looking for ways, at least some solution. I went to the spa, did different procedures for hair care ... But, of course, it was all useless. And I remember this moment: I am sitting at home, crying, and suddenly I understand that, okay, the time has come. I need to shave. And I need a wig.
At that moment I had a hairdresser of African descent, Chantel, she helped me with different pigtails and in other ways to hide the bald patches. She was very good, supported me all the time, tried to cheer me up. And so I signed up for Chantel. Especially for such an important business, she put me in a separate room, where no one except me was there - so that I feel comfortable. She ordered a wig in advance to me - she chose one that, in her opinion, would ideally suit me. And so she shaved me and said: "Well, that's it, you're done." And I remember how I asked, "What, is that all?" There was no mirror in front of me. And she says: "Yes, yes, everything, touch it yourself." And I remember how I felt that well, nothing had changed. And it was such a rather strong emotional moment in which I realized that I was one and the same person. For some reason, I always thought that it would be a revelation that would be before and after, that I would shave - and change. And there was nothing like that at all.
Society says that a woman should have long hair, that hair is feminine, and if you have no hair, then you are like a man
Chantel brought me a mirror, I looked at myself, thought: "Oh fuck!" - of course. It was hard to recognize yourself. Then Chantel brought the wig she ordered for me - and he was cool, just wow! It was the coolest wig ever. And I thought: "Well, well, let's try!" And, having tried it on, for the first time in 7-8 years, I felt that yes, damn it, I look nothing like that! But at the same time there was also fear - the fear that people would immediately understand that it was a wig, or that they would look at me in a strange way ... There were mixed feelings. And so I came out from Chanel, went to the store to buy a blouse for myself or something, and I met a friend in the store. Not a close friend, just a friend. And she looked at me like that! "Where are you going, you look so good, your hair is just wow!" I didn’t tell her anything about my situation, I just said thank you and smiled.
For a long time, the wig helped me regain my confidence. Because, of course, when I took off the wig, I felt like a rude man. After all, our society says that a woman should have long hair, that hair is feminine, and if you do not have hair, then you are like a man. Or you have cancer. Or you buch. But I'm not a man, not a lesbian, and not dying from cancer. But I have no hair. It was difficult. There was a feeling that guys do not want me. It was a serious question - how do I meet guys now? Here I go to the club, I met someone - and what about the wig? Should I warn this guy somehow? Many reacted rather negatively. When I met a young man, I told him that it was like this and that, I had a wig - the reaction was as if it was not what he expected and that he was uncomfortable ... As if he was being deceived! There was no desire to understand what I feel.
At first I had this Chantel wig, which I wore all the time. And I would, of course, want to buy another wig. But I was afraid that people would notice that one day I was with short hair, another one was long, and they would be suspicious of something. Yes, Rihanna and Beyonce wear wigs all the time, but I didn’t feel like Rihanna and Beyoncé myself. So I was afraid. Self-confidence was my zero. I could not even go to the grocery store without a wig. I stopped doing sports, did not go to the gym for at least a year. Because training in a wig is just awful, as if wearing a earflap and running in it. So the wig helped me for a long time, but at the same time stopped me, limited my freedom.
At some point, I still bought myself a second wig, with a completely different hairstyle. And I really liked him, I felt super-seductive in him. I wore it for a couple of weeks, and then I felt that I was tired of everything, I want my old wig back, so these long Hollywood curls. And at home I thought for a long, long time whether or not to return to it — people will definitely notice that my quarantine has grown my hair to the old length overnight. But then I started to feel better, my self-confidence returned a bit, and I thought: "Fuck it! Let's go! I will do what I like!" So I put on my first wig, at work someone actually asked about her hair, and I just answered: "Well, yes, this is the case. I have a wig." And that's all. And it was a turning point.
After that, I started buying different wigs and just wore them the way I wanted. Gradually, in response to questions, I began to say that yes, you know, I have alopecia, a couple of months ago I shaved, I was bald, I wear wigs and I'm fucking rocking it. It was 2012. In 2013, I moved to Stockholm from my hometown Malmo. I moved because I got an excellent job in one of the largest offices in Sweden. Fatigue from wigs, from constant experiences grew in me - and at the same time self-confidence returned slowly. I remember at some point I decided to go to a fitness center, took off my wig and started to train bald. And it was a feeling of real freedom! Just wow, incredible! Of course, some people were staring at me, there are always such people. But at that moment I was so sure of myself that it didn't matter at all. I felt just amazing.
Progress continued. Once I already finished the working day and was going to go to train. Changed at work in the restroom. And I remember that I thought: "I am now changing clothes, taking off my wig, then putting it on again, going to a fitness center and going to take it off again ... some kind of idiocy." And I thought: maybe I just just take it off now, go bald and that's all? And I decided. Those of my colleagues who knew about my alopecia, rushed to embrace me with the words: "Wow, Lilian, finally!" And those who did not know were shocked, they thought I shaved. I then told everything about everything and was very proud of myself. After that, I sometimes started to go bald. I came to work in a wig, and then after a couple of hours I took it off. Now, the last year and a half or two, I don’t wear wigs at all. Even when I go to the club to dance. This year I wore a wig only once, for a costume party.
Alopecia took away my confidence. And it was hard. But now I understand that because of alopecia, I began to accept myself on a completely different level. The way I am: with my thick thighs, without hair, with a strange nose, with a beautiful smile and penetrating energy ... Now I feel that I know who I am. I am me. And if you like it - great. If you do not like it - well, let's go to hell. You can say that alopecia made me love myself. And it is difficult, it is very difficult, I can not say that every day I adore myself and can not see enough. But I'm trying. I try to work actively with these negative emotions that we all, absolutely everything, feel towards ourselves. Especially women.
The society all the time tells us that we are not good enough, that we need to get better, work more, run faster, train our thighs, insert the chest. And now I realized that this is all bullshit, that I am good enough. This feeling, this self-confidence, absolutely is inside me - I just have to find it. Understand that I am good enough. And it seems to me that alopecia is the first step towards true self-acceptance.
PHOTO: Lilian / Instagram