Hold on, girlfriend: How not to support loved ones
Text: Yana Filimonova
Support is when you share a person’s feelings make it clear that he is not alone in his trouble. From time to time, everyone needs it: people are social beings, they are focused on living in a group and moving closer to their own kind. No one can cope with all the difficulties alone, but in the traditions of our culture they call support even that which has nothing to do with it, for example, calls to “gather” and “hold on”, lectures, notations, lamentations and even intimidation. We understand how to support others, and how - no.
How not to
If a person tells you that he does very well without support and doesn’t need it at all, it is likely that he understands these toxic and harmful reactions as support. The one who came across them mostly when he needed help and acceptance really prefers to keep the feelings in himself and to cope on his own. What is the difference between toxic reactions and real support? How to support each other correctly and correctly? Let's start with the fact that support is not, but only disguised as it.
1
"Get it together!"
The phrase "Hold on," "Kripis", "Take heart" and other calls for endurance - not a good way to support. In a person who asks for support, the goal is exactly the opposite. He wants to share the emotional burden with someone and not just “hold on”, but at least relax a little and feel better. The words "hold on" or "take heart" broadcast to him: "Support is denied. Decide everything yourself, be strong. Get it together."
2
"And my neighbor has a stray dog bit the cat"
Even in an extreme situation, a person cannot help a lament. Have a friend got to the intensive care unit someone from the family, stole the wallet, lost the dog? Do not tell her: "What a nightmare!" She already knows that this is really a nightmare. And do not tell her about similar cases that occurred with your friends. This will not help her, but will only increase the panic. In general, if you want to sympathize, you should not burden a person with your emotions. Now he himself needs consolation, and he certainly does not have the resource to calm the interlocutor. Your tears and lamentations in the spirit of "What a horror, what now to do?" they will only convince a frightened person that everything is really very bad.
3
"You're right, he's a fool"
Be careful if you want to join the anger or discontent of the interlocutor: igniting negative emotions rather maladjusted rather than helping to cope with the situation. A person who complains about loved ones usually has conflicting feelings: those whom he loves did not do well to him. Saying: "Yes, your husband is a real egoist!" or "It looks like your sister is not able to think logically at all" - as if you confirm his worst fears.
No one really wants to think that his loved ones are monsters. Even if the situation really requires a sharp negative assessment (in the case of physical or emotional abuse, for example), it is better to submit this information more carefully: "You know, it seems to me that such words are pure manipulation", "Such an act seems to me dishonest towards you, "" It seems to me that what is happening is dangerous for you. "
4
"I know a beautiful homeopath, he will help!"
Unsolicited advice is also a bad idea. "Often the child is sick? Listen, I have contacts of an excellent pediatrician, now I will tell you. You need to harden him, I will send you a link to an article on how to do it."
Practical help is very important, but only when you are asked about it. To impose it without a request is undesirable. First of all, it’s not a fact that a person who has fallen into a difficult situation is ready for action right now - perhaps, for this, he first needs to come to his senses and collect his thoughts. Secondly, it is not known whether he needs the form of help you want to offer. Only the person himself can decide which actions will be right for him: to harden the child, contact a proven doctor or just wait out the period of endless children's colds. By imposing specific actions on the interlocutor, we are laying down the idea of his helplessness in this: “You yourself are not able to cope with anything, now I will tell you how to proceed.”
5
"It doesn't happen to me"
Talking down, demonstrating that you have exactly everything in order in this area, is a dishonest way of behavior, which in no way is support. For example, in a situation where you say to a person who has been diagnosed with depression: “Wow, how unlucky you are. But I practice positive thinking and try to enjoy every day, and I have no depression”, there is nothing but desires to feel better at the expense of the interlocutor who is in a difficult situation.
6
"You are the one to blame!"
Accusations, "magic kicks" and other means of "popular" psychology are completely unacceptable - this is victimization and the complete opposite of support. An example of such a toxic reaction, unfortunately, is often served by parents of children and adolescents: “Still, I’ve thrown a quarter control? how are you going to fix the rating now. "
It is believed that such a reaction helps to gather and act, as well as recognize their past mistakes and no longer repeat them. In fact, the effect will be just the opposite: in a situation of stress, no one is able to analyze mistakes and draw conclusions for the future, and the accusations and tough manner of speaking only increase the trauma. For a short time, a person can really get together and act, but not because the “magic kick” works, but because it is a stressful reaction when all the senses are frozen.
But in the long run, this method is very toxic. He is carrying the message: "Did you get into trouble? So you yourself are bad (bad). Do not expect me to help you." In addition to the additional stress for a person who has something wrong, “magic kicks” destroy relationships. It is difficult to trust the one who finishes lying down.
How to
Support in its essence is a message to another person: "I hear you, I understand, I accept your feelings and your difficult situation, and I am ready to be in it with you." It is possible to be in a difficult situation with someone in different ways - it depends on the degree of closeness with the person, and on the situation itself, and also on the strength you have, resources and willingness to help. How, then, to support?
1
Soberly assess your strength
Small but sincere support is better than her simulation. Often they respond to complaints with toxic methods precisely because the interlocutor, who is expected to be supported, does not have the strength or resource on her, but he is afraid to admit it. No need to be ashamed: it is perfectly normal not to want or not to be able to support someone. Offer only what you can really provide without violence against yourself. Perhaps you are now able to listen to the interlocutor only five minutes, and no more. Or you can talk for half an hour, but are not ready to provide practical assistance.
If you do not even have the strength to be close to a person when he is having difficult feelings, it would be most honest to say this: “Forgive me, please, but I am very tired now, my nerves are completely exhausted. I could talk to you tomorrow, if it will be convenient for you. " It’s not a fact that the interlocutor will not be offended at you, but this is better than to commit violence on yourself, and then merge aggression on another.
2
Listen and share the feelings of the other.
Verbal support is a way that seems to be the easiest, but actually being close to someone who has strong negative feelings is not easy. We want to dissociate ourselves emotionally, “jump out” from an unpleasant topic, and therefore we often return to one of the toxic reactions.
To support a person in a conversation, you just need to be close, share the emotions of the interlocutor and not push him away. Let him talk. Use active listening: nod, confirm, ask short clarifying questions. A person under stress, distressed or irritated, is very supportive of merely a verbal expression of sympathy. In Russian, the form “I'm sorry” still sounds a bit clumsy, but it fits - just like “I sympathize” or “What a pity that this happened to you”. You can reflect the feelings of the interlocutor: "It seems really unpleasant," "It sounds very sad," "I understand why you are so angry with them." Refrain from assessing the situation, actions and actions.
3
Ask if you need help.
Another great way to support is to directly ask a person what he needs in this situation: "Can I do something for you? Tell me if I can help you with something." Perhaps the conversation was enough. Or it turns out that practical help, advice, contacts are needed - this would be perfectly appropriate if a person asked for it directly.
4
Ask how the person feels
The questions "How do you feel?", "How do you cope with this?" show your participation and help a person evaluate his resources and listen to his feelings - this is often in itself healing in a situation of severe stress. Be careful with the question “Are you okay?”, It can cause aggression if a person has a big trouble. If your interlocutor, for example, is seriously ill, he was fired from his job or he is in danger, you yourself understand that everything is not in order.
5
Repeat
If your loved one's situation is dragged out and you have the strength to do so, it will be useful to ask him from time to time how he feels and whether your help is not needed. The most valuable thing in support is the knowledge that you are not the only one, that there is a person who will be with you when something bad has happened.
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