"Fat determines whether I deserve happiness": 10 stories of diets and breakdowns
The best way to normalize weight, to maintain well-being and vigor is to adhere to healthy habits all my life, that is, to quit smoking, to move more and eat in a diverse and balanced way. But anyone wants to get a magic remedy with a quick effect - and strict diets are, perhaps, the most common way to get this effect. They damage the body and lead to disruptions, but they are repeated again and again - because society requires conventional weight loss from women. There are problems with the perception of their own body and eating disorders. Ten heroines told how and when they refused food and what it led to.
During my life I have tried very different diets, from a single meal to sitting on buckwheat, apples or kefir. First of all, the family was pushing me towards this - my mother could have thrown a phrase like "I would never have thought that I would have such a daughter." Most relatives criticized my body from the age of thirteen, and I thought that everything was wrong with me, that I needed to be ashamed of myself, that my body could not be considered beautiful or acceptable. Weight loss has always been my number one challenge. But no matter how hard I lose weight (the last record is nineteen kilograms), it was always taken with the reaction “you can still try.”
The toughest experience is fasting for two weeks in a special center. My parents gave me the money for this, and then they criticized me when I left it early. Fasting was real torture for me - the first three days I overcame a headache. Then it became tolerable, I entered into a rhythm and just stuck on all sorts of food photos, thought about what I would eat when I got out. By the middle of the second week, nausea joined the headache, and at the same time there was insomnia and drowsiness. Then I started to turn out something bitter, and I realized that it was bile. I called my mother, she persuaded to be patient, but I still returned home and called an ambulance - I was hospitalized with a burn of the esophagus.
Then I lost about fifteen kilograms, but no acceptance of myself did not come, and the weight soon returned. About a year ago, I learned about intuitive nutrition and gradually lost nineteen kilograms. There are small fluctuations in weight, but I do not reproach myself for breakdowns anymore - I can eat fast food today, and tomorrow do light salads. It is still difficult for me to accept myself as a whole, and I still think that I would be happier if I had narrower hips. But this is like the color of the eyes, they don’t choose it, I don’t understand why I should feel guilty - and still sometimes I feel. Mom will never be happy with me, she always adds that "you can still throw off." But I think that the world is good because we are all different, and everything is beautiful.
For the first time I thought about changing the diet at the age of fifteen, when no dermatologist could not help me solve the problem of acne. All my subsequent experiments with nutrition were carried out with one goal: to get rid of acne.
It all started when one of the doctors recommended to exclude dairy products - and for seven months I crossed out everything that was somehow related to milk: cottage cheese, sour cream, butter, cheese, ice cream. Baked goods also came under the distribution, both because of the high glycemic index and because there may be milk in it. Since I did not notice any result, I decided at the same time to abandon sour milk - but also to no avail.
After these experiments, I decided that I had gluten intolerance (although tests did not confirm this) and tried to exclude everything that contains it. Then I stopped eating outside the house and cooked myself, checking all products for gluten content. This stage was the most difficult - at that time little was known about gluten intolerance, and there were no gluten-free marks anywhere. And psychologically, it was not easy to make restrictions - I love cereals and macaroni. After a gluten-free diet, the apogee of my dietary history came - raw food with the subsequent evolution into veggiery. In syroedenii I most lacked a warm meal, sometimes I just wanted meatballs or soup. After that, I softened the approach and switched to vegetarianism - and as a result, I have lost my menstrual cycle for more than a year.
Long-term experiments with nutrition on the skin did not affect - neither for the worse nor for the better. On feeling and a figure, by the way, too. There was only a certain moral satisfaction, when another adviser, when looking at problematic skin, recommended to abandon meat or milk. Nevertheless, experiments with food have instilled in me quite reasonable habits - the rejection of foods with a high glycemic index, the exclusion of convenience foods, sausages, sauces and everything that is cooked outside the home.
I have been on diets since I was seventeen, and the goal has always been to lose weight - I was strong, sometimes stout, and very worried about it. The most extreme experience is the "Siberian diet." I read in the newspaper that if you drink only vodka for three days and do not eat anything, you can lose five, or even ten kilograms. Probably the only thing that justifies me is the young age at that moment (he allowed to go through this “diet” altogether). Imagine: summer, plus thirty, I bought three liter bottles of Stolichnaya, put them in the freezer, and asked my friend to be in touch, started. Of course, it took me exactly one day; the next morning was poisoning, dehydration, and very high temperature. Almost twenty years have passed, and the word "vodka" has a lump in my throat.
I also tried diets based on blood type and based on a more detailed blood test, protein diet and Montignac diet. In fact, almost all of them (except for the vodka, of course) gave good results and influenced my perception of food and myself. Now, after the birth of my second child, I have dropped five kilograms with the help of sports and proper nutrition, and I continue - I gained more than ten for pregnancy. Eat five or six times a day; in the morning and in the afternoon we eat carbohydrates like porridge or buckwheat. I eat fruits, vegetables and nuts. For lunch and dinner - something protein, vegetables and some fat. Well, sometimes the bread, as without them!
At some point, I realized that completeness is not related to transitional age, I do not "grow up", as the grandmothers said, but everything will fall into place if I stop eating. The main impetus was the entry into a well-known group in a social network, where thinness was propagandized and everything connected with it. Being a naive chick, I posted a photo of my body there and was doused with a portion of insults. After that, I firmly decided not to eat. For about three months, I ate once a day, ate something like a vegetable salad with a piece of meat or fish, and felt great. Then in three months I lost almost fifteen kilograms. The first experience was followed by the so-called medical diet, then drinking diet (thirty days only liquid, without solid food) and even a chocolate diet, during which you need to eat one hundred grams of dark chocolate a day - and nothing more (though I followed this diet). day, eating more or less normal in the intervals).
For three months I lost another fifteen kilograms, earning gastroduodenitis and pancreatic problems. And the most difficult thing in losing weight and following diets is constant self-loathing. "Extra" spoon of buckwheat - "zhirdyayka", "extra" piece of chocolate - "no one will love you." It is not easy to eat, but to love yourself is difficult. At the stage of losing weight, an emotional lift was felt, but the weight dropped so quickly always returns - and during the stress associated with leaving the school, I gained a dozen lost pounds back and thundered into the day hospital with a sick stomach.
Now I am trying to balance myself. I read relevant literature, in matters of nutrition I try to focus on myself and my feelings, and not on diets and nutrition systems, I actively train in the gym and have been steadily losing weight over the past six months. Now it is slower than before, but the result is much more stable - a random piece of cake will not affect my waist. It is still difficult for me to accept myself as I am, although a loved one is near me who admires me and helps me in everything. While I can not love myself, but do not condemn to suffering, as it was in adolescence. I am learning to understand that a result requires a certain amount of time and work, physical and psychological. I want to believe that I will succeed.
On diets, I found myself three times, and these were always age peaks, when the body changed its habitual form. The first one, of course, was still at school, when I suddenly found secondary sexual characteristics, and nobody said what to do with them. Mom was on a diet, and I decided to try for the company - but quit after three days. The second time I was on a diet after the protection of the diploma. Then I lost a lot of stress, and a friend convinced me that "the result should be fixed." In addition, I was unrequitedly in love, and it seemed to me that thinness would correct this universal injustice. After the second diet, as if for edification, I got an allergy to celery. Now I have zero tolerance for him; if I get a little somewhere, then I have fifteen minutes to take the medicine. Allergy pills have become my everlasting companions, and I drink fresh juices only at home — you never know if the bartender has cleaned the juicer well.
The third diet was the craziest and longest. Two years ago, my body began to move into the next age phase; a tummy appeared, about which girl Bruce Willis dreamed about from “Pulp Fiction” - but I didn’t dream about it and decided to fight. Firewood was thrown into the fire by friends and relatives who were engaged in sports and with varying success. The husband, with whom we have been together for twelve years, my forms, old or new, never upset, but for some reason the people around broadcast one thing: you have the right to happiness, just being thin.
Then I chose one product that was supposed to be as neutral as possible (not loved or unloved). This product (let it be bread) I ate in any quantities - and could drink any liquids, including kefir, juices and alcohol. So I ate for half a year, and it was an interesting experience: I stopped eating out of habit, because of my mood, for future use or "because I have to." I stopped wanting sweet during menstruation. I realized how much food and what time I need. I also managed to lose weight decently - but I recovered again when I decided to finish the diet.
I know for sure that for the sake of weight loss and of my own accord I will not sit on any diet anymore. Public opinion and the environment, fixated on the perfect body, I left in the past. As soon as this understanding came, I came across a good book about intuitive nutrition. Now I try to listen to myself, learn to understand the needs of the body, build a bridge to my bricks. I do not know how long it will take, but life has become much more pleasant.
I sat on diets many times: in the eighth grade I didn’t try to eat less for a short time, in the second year I was on a protein diet for a couple of days, but I spent most of my time on this when I became involved in sports, at the age of twenty-two. I read about sports and well-being - and recommendations always included eating restrictions. At first, I used some of them as an experiment or out of curiosity; then, when from the increased activity I lost weight and tightened up, I began to choose more and more strict approaches in order to keep the weight down or become even slimmer.
The most radical thing I did was ketodiet. If you start eating very fatty foods and give up carbohydrates as much as possible (they usually reduce their amount to 20-50 grams per day), the body goes into a state of ketosis, and ketone bodies begin to be produced in the liver, which the body uses as a backup energy source. A part of ketone bodies feeds tissues, a part is excreted with urine. In itself, an excess of ketone bodies is dangerous, therefore, carbohydrate deficiency cannot be disturbed - this removes the body from the state of ketosis and switches to the usual glucose utilization, and unclaimed ketone bodies begin to poison the body; this is called ketoacidosis. The long-term effects of ketodiets have not been fully studied, but the diet itself is well described and even used in official medicine — for example, in the treatment of epilepsy that is not amenable to drugs. The "scientific" approach bribed me, and I got involved in the keto-diet for four months.
In the Internet community, there is a perception that keto is a ticket without transfer to the country of unlimited consumption of calories from bacon and avocado, but I adhered to a limit of 1200-1500 calories per day. For about a week, I felt what the community called keto-flu - headache, weakness and lack of appetite. I leaned on cod liver, scrambled eggs with bacon and coffee, whipped with butter and coconut oil. The weakness was gone, but there was confusion and disorientation. I could not cope with driving lessons, it was hard for me to climb the stairs, but I remained absolutely calm. The anxiety receded, and the most enjoyable were monotonous activities like picking cherries from a tree. It was endlessly interesting to lie on the warm cottage veranda and look at the rolling leaves. Many share inverse impressions - they are full of energy and think clearly, but for me the thinking was too energy-consuming.
About two months later, my menstrual cycle was extended twice. Honestly, I was not very scared. It was more difficult to cope with the emerging eating disorder - I began to lean on "conditionally allowed" products like roasted peanuts. I caught myself abusing and eating a 200-gram pack at a time. Twice this led to protein poisoning and nausea, but it did not stop me - and this is an alarm bell. In the end, I still got out of ketodie and slowly began to gain weight. At some point, this led to a disorder in the perception of one’s own body, took a serious turn and required consultation with a psychotherapist. It took one and a half years before I was able to calmly stand in front of a mirror in my underwear and not promise myself that I would quit eating bread forever. Now I calmly relate to my appearance and think of the body not as “instantaneous”, but as changing, but about changes occurring with it - as a part of human life, and not a personal tragedy.
In childhood, I heard from relatives in my address the words "strong", "plump", "stocky." From their side it was tenderness, but the older I got, the more offensive these epithets were. In the encyclopedia for girls of thirteen, I saw the option of a fasting day - to divide an apple into ten parts and eat it during the day. Then it happened in my head that there are ways to lose weight and, although it is difficult, it is worth it. Of course, then I did not go hungry. Diets began at the university when I began to live independently. The main task has always been to lose weight - it seemed that thin means confident, and confident means happy.
The latest diet, after which I realized that it was useless and even harmful, was the 3 in 1 Monodiet, found in Vogue magazine with the following description: "The nine-day diet of the eminent doctor Margarita Koroleva consists of three blocks: rice, white meat and vegetables - in fact, there are three mono-diets in one. The ration is designed so that you can easily prepare everything yourself at home, but if you don’t cook your horse, the Royal Diet will take responsibility. You can order the program on the website of the nutritionist. For 29 700 rubles you for nine days, unload both the body and the brain. " Of course, I decided that I would do everything myself - and now I don’t understand who pays such money for damage to health and, as a dietician, can recommend this.
On this diet, we sat together with a colleague. The first three days were spent on rice alone, accompanied by terrible weakness. The next two days on boiled chicken breasts almost ended with my swooning - and we decided it was time to stop. Then I lost about three kilograms, but did not get any moral satisfaction. But I finally understood that diets are evil. A year ago, I finally came to the conclusion that I needed conscious nutrition, and I follow him with the Sekta school - I train with them too, and I also run and play basketball. Now I actively oppose diets and sometimes drowning for a healthy lifestyle. Sometimes I can afford and sweet, and fast food, although they have ceased to bring the former pleasure. My attitude to the body has become more relaxed. I realized that there is something to work on, but self-love is first of all.
In my family, food often became the subject of scandals: my mother criticized her father for being overweight, could pull a plate of food out of his hands, scolded him for eating a lot or at night. Father reacted very violently to this, and the day did not pass without the cries of the parents. We never had dinner together - Dad prepared himself and ate so that mom did not see. Только недавно благодаря своему парню я узнала, как здорово обедать или ужинать вместе.
Тогда только начали появляться статьи и передачи о вреде ГМО, трансжиров, пальмового масла, глутамата натрия и разных E, с помощью которых "глобальные корпорации хотят истребить русскую нацию". Мама шла в магазин и по полчаса изучала упаковки на наличие смертельных ядов. Сейчас я снисходительно смотрю на это: мама выросла в СССР, где истина сказанного по ТВ не подвергалась сомнению, и хотела кормить меня натуральной, хорошей едой. Но в детстве было обидно, когда другие дети пили колу, а я - компот из сухофруктов. Mom suggested that all the food from the packs was bad and harmful, I was strictly forbidden to eat chips, ice cream, yogurt, chocolate bars, drink soda and juice from the packs. In kindergarten, and later in school, we were often given sausages for dinner — I didn’t eat them, because mom said they were made from chemicals and could not be eaten. On such days I remained hungry. Once in my dad's car, I found an unintelligible bottle from under the sprite: there were only a few drops left on the plastic walls. I tried to lick them with fear and curiosity, barely holding out my tongue - and these two drops were remembered forever as the most delicious drink in my life.
Despite all these limitations in “harmful” products, I was a well-fed child. I was taught that tea should be drunk with sugar, and that any food should be eaten with bread and butter. On the one hand, Mom was for proper nutrition, but it seemed to her that any home-made food is beneficial and can be eaten in any quantity. I was fed homemade sausage, fried potatoes, chops and dumplings. When I went to school, ridicule and insults about completeness began to arrive in my address. Parents tried to support, but they did it in a peculiar way: they said that I was “in papa”, that I would always be big and I had to put up with it - “not everyone can be photo models”.
At the age of twelve I first went on a diet. Intuitively, I gave up everything fried and greasy, from mayonnaise, buns and sausage, home baking, sweets, and stopped eating at night. My parents were amazed at my willpower. I stayed in this mode for almost a year and really lost weight very much. Then I decided that the goal was achieved, and again I started to eat everything. Of course, the weight came back in double volume, I was again the thickest in the class, and it was terribly beating on self-esteem. I looked in the mirror and hated every centimeter of my body, cellulite on the bottom, sides.
Since then, I have lost a lot of weight (up to forty-five kilograms) and recovered. I had a relationship that had a different impact on the situation - for the first guy I was preparing lunches and dinners, and when we broke up, stopped doing it and became very thin. In the following respects, I stopped eating altogether: first from mad love, and later from emotional stress, in which I could not swallow a bit. At some point the body began to "break": my hair fell out, my nails and teeth crumbled, I did not recover for half a year from an ordinary cold. By the end of the fourth year, I lost weight to the bone. Once I decided to take erotic pictures for a young man - and when I looked at them, I saw a pale, shriveled skeleton.
Then, when really serious relations began, as if some hoop had burst, which had restrained me all these years. I started to eat a lot and uncontrollably: I ordered a five-course dinner at a restaurant, and before bed, I ate pizza and ice cream in bed. My friend asked me in surprise if I was pregnant, and suddenly I again felt as fat and ugly as in childhood. I painfully tried to lose weight, but I did not succeed. I blamed all my sit-down office work and lack of activity, so I quit. But the kilograms went very slowly and returned as soon as I allowed myself to have a solid dinner. So I got bulimia.
I became concerned only with food and my weight. I had breakfast, then I went to the toilet to clean, I waited for food, I ate and went to the toilet again. I instilled in myself that all the food was bad and bad, my stomach began to ache from everything I eat. I hated my body, which stubbornly did not want to give up and lose pounds. I lost the desire to leave the house, days and weeks went by in endless bouts of self-flagellation. Sometimes I just wanted to cut off all the excess fat with a knife or throw myself out the window because of how terrible I am. At the same time, I knew with my mind that I was probably not so fat if I wear size S, but I could not cope with my psyche.
I fearfully go to public places: it seems to me that everyone will laugh and poke a finger. I am the author of the channel in the telegraph and receive daily messages from people who write, what a clever and beautiful I am - but no one knows that behind beautiful photos there is an endless hatred for my body. Recently, I told relatives and a guy about my frustration. I can not say that they understood me, and I didn’t really expect it. I do not work, I am afraid to leave the house, I hate myself and my body. My frustration prevents me from living a full life. I envy girls who know how to love and accept themselves. I would love to learn this, but I don’t know how.
I sit on diets from the age of twelve, and the goal was always the same - to lose weight. And not for the sake of clothing, recognition or love interest - I have always lost weight for weight loss, and the numbers on the scales and centimeter tape were what determined how much I deserved respect, trust, love and friendship. I knew that people would not accept me until I weigh an "acceptable" number of kilograms. I knew that everything I was doing was depreciated by my fat. I tried to lose weight by the beginning of the school year, by the New Year, by my birthday, by spring, by summer - and I got into an endless circle. Thirteen years have passed since then - and I restrict my diet again at least once every six months.
If there is some sort of diet on the Russian-language Internet, then the probability that I tried it is 99%. Maggi diet, ABC, Japanese, Kremlin, six petals, chocolate, striped, drinking, dry hunger, buckwheat, Dyukan diet, ketone, angel diet ... I methodically read reviews, fit into "marathons" and monitor stories about how people lost weight . It seemed to me that I was about to solve the combination of diets and find the perfect diet. Some periods I just do not remember. And yet, breaking with the diets or stopping them because of the attacks of gastritis and pancreatitis, I returned to them again to finish.
My relationship with food and body is still called "everything is complicated." I worked hard to start accepting myself and my body. I'm still endlessly trying to lose weight, but now I do not sit on rigid diets - I try to adhere to proper nutrition. I still suffer from compulsive overeating, punishing myself with food, punishing myself for food. Every morning I run to the scales, measuring volumes. I understand how unhealthy it is, which makes the situation even more absurd. And yet I have something to compare with: I am no longer returning home, because it seems to me that the controller in the metro thought that I was fat. I no longer cause vomiting after eating, I do not take dubious pills, I do not starve for three days before an important event. Now I try to systematically, and not attacks, to play sports. Sometimes I still cry from the sensation of my fatness and worthlessness. But I believe that someday this will change, and I will stop evaluating everything I do, by how much it can eclipse in the eyes of those around me my weight and fat folds.
During the second pregnancy, I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes mellitus - it appears only during pregnancy and almost always disappears after giving birth. It was necessary to correct the situation of nutrition and keep blood sugar levels under control. The diet seemed very strict to me - I had to give up all the products that contain sucrose and starch, which is about 80% of the products in the supermarket. In addition, all foods with a high glycemic index were banned, and my menu consisted of vegetables, meat, fish, dairy products, and not too sweet fruit. True, the fat content did not matter, it was possible with a clear conscience to eat fat cottage cheese and bake chicken with cheese and butter, fry eggs with bacon.
Abandoning the usual side dishes and breakfast cereals seemed almost unreal. It became impossible to find a quick and nutritious snack in the finished street food segment, I had to carry nuts and fruits or berries with me - I was lucky that the main part of the pregnancy took place in the summer. Sweeteners were banned because of pregnancy, so I had to give up coffee (I only drink sweetened) - it was excruciatingly painful. As a result of such a diet for the entire pregnancy, I did not gain a single extra kilogram and even lost weight. I followed the rules very clearly. Otherwise, I would have to start insulin therapy, that is, injecting insulin, which I did not want at all, and all the more so to experience the effects of my appetite on the child. In general, the motivation was more than serious.
As a result, I gave birth to an absolutely healthy child and was very proud of myself - but the first thing I asked my husband to buy, after being discharged from the hospital, was a bank of Nutella, which I ate with the greatest pleasure. Half a year has passed, and now I can afford anything. But the habit of reading the composition and looking for hidden sugar remained, as well as replacing wheat flour with whole rye flour or simply eating vegetables with a side dish. The risk that diabetes will return with age is 30% higher than that of women who have not encountered it during pregnancy, so I enjoy a variety of food, but keep my appetite under control.
Photo:Edalin - stock.adobe.com, pioneer111 - stock.adobe.com, baibaz - stock.adobe.com (1, 2), Jarp - stock.adobe.com