Eternal bully: Do those who persecute others change with age
"My aggression was never directed at anyone. For me, bulling was a common behavioral pattern, ”says 35-year-old Peter (the name was changed at the request of the hero). - Teachers, I put the buttons on the chair, smeared the board with soap, rude, including obscenities. He systematically sabotaged the lessons and brought to the dismissal the class teacher and six female students who taught us English. I planted a fish teacher on the teacher who came to teach us Russian and literature after the dismissal of the classroom. Classmates, too, got it. The girls pulled the braids, the guys painfully clicked on the ears. He ridiculed them all the time. Hid, soiled, broke office supplies. It was from the fifth to the seventh grade. The main thing is, I do not know why I did all this. I am very ashamed now. "
The topic of persecution in Russia began to be discussed not yesterday - Rolan Bykov’s film "Effigy", for example, was released in 1984. Many are accustomed to perceive bullying as a “natural” part of growing up and school life, and the stories of successful combating harassment seem to be exceptions to the rules. And even in cases where the bullying was prevented, the story seems unfinished. What happens to those who stopped poisoning others - or who was forced to do it? Does a person who has poisoned classmates change their behavior if they become older - or will they endure aggression in relationships with adults?
Where does the baiting come from
Psychologists Robert Baron and Deborah Richardson (their book “Aggression” was published in the USA in 1977) defined aggression as a form of behavior aimed at insulting or harming another living being who does not want such treatment. “The main word here is“ targeted. ”That is, it’s about intentional harm, about violent action,” explains Natalia Gorlova, a developmental psychologist who leads school bullying training seminars. Natalya does not put an equal sign between aggression and bullying: aggression, in her opinion, absorbs the abuse, gazlighting, victimization, physical violence, and bullying itself, or harassment. An expert reminds that bullying is often confused with an abuse, but unlike an abuse (violence in an adult couple or family, bullying one person over another), bulging is fixed in groups. True, psychologists point out the connection between these concepts: often violence from a family member is transferred to colleagues.
Dan Olveous, a professor of psychology at the University of Bergen, in his book "Bullying at School" clarifies that bullying is not a one-time action, but the systematic repetitive behavior of one or several people in relation to the victim. Another well-known Scandinavian expert, Erling Rouland, in his book “How to stop bullying at school: Psychology of mobbing” adds that a significant difference in the balance of forces plays a role here: the victim is unable to protect himself physically or psychologically. That is, a conflict between equal people will not be considered a bulling.
Peter said that he also chose a victim who was unable to fight back: “It’s easier to get out of balance and get a reaction. I got out pretty big guys, older and stronger than me. I felt where I had to press and hit the patient. If I understood that on the beating, then stopped. If the resistance was weak, continued. "
The reasons for bullying in childhood are many. Psychotherapist, specialist in emotional regulation of anger, associate professor at Florida International University and author of the Stop Violence project, Alena Prihidko, says that home environment is what matters most. Often a child with an aggression puts out anger on relatives on classmates: for example, they offend a child at home, or because of the divorce of parents he does not have the opportunity to discuss with them what is happening, to get support. Through bullying, he gives an exit to anger, which in such cases is a secondary emotion: beneath it lies shame, grief, anxiety. “Such a splash-out aggression almost always indicates a serious emotional lack of care, kindness and other positive emotions,” says Prihidko. “Often the child bulls himself at home and takes this behavior to school. If the child is regularly beaten at home, they are not able to regulate their emotions Then the child reruns this situation. " Among aggressive children there are those who live in seemingly prosperous families and who simply lack the attention of their parents.
This was exactly how Peter’s childhood: in his words, his parents never praised him for good behavior or studying, taking it for granted, but regularly punishing him. “My father flooded me for every two. I didn’t have hatred for him - there was fear. And that was only the first time: I hid belts, ran away from home. Then I didn’t care: you didn’t whip it today — tomorrow you will be blown off anyway. Mom I didn’t protect. Since the forces were not equal, apparently, I took out this negative on teachers and classmates. I want to note that I categorically do not accept violence against children, including my own, "said Peter.
"The victim is forced to respond. Passively reacts - the buller accuses her of not being ready to respond. Actively responds - the buller will distort the meaning of the answer," explains the psychologist
Another reason for bullying can be conformism, the desire to belong to a particular group. When friends begin to bully, it is difficult to take the opposite position: the child is afraid to break the rules and become a "bad" member of the group. “Unfortunately, many parents themselves encourage the manifestation of power. Pro-feminist mothers understand that boys cry too, and fathers want to raise warriors out of them,” says Prihidko. Finally, in some children, bullying takes the form of "jokes." If a child does not understand that such "jokes" are not harmless and violate the boundaries of another person, or cannot stop in time, they can seriously hurt the feelings of another.
Both boys and girls can show aggression - but its forms usually differ due to fixed social roles. Girls more often resort to verbal and indirect bullying: mockery, sarcasm, irony, gossip, broken glass tossed in pointe shoes. Boys are more likely to use verbal and open physical manifestations of aggression: strikes, kicks, butting, grabs. In addition, bullying includes various forms of psychological or emotional violence that do not depend on gender (threats, intimidation, pressure), and also isolation or boycott, when a person is ousted from a group, doomed to loneliness. Finally, cyberbullying is now increasingly common, that is, harassment online: messages, aggressive comments on posts or photos of a person, and much more.
“In all these cases, a person is“ drawn ”into the role of the victim through provocation. Often, the buller blames the victim for something or indicates its possible“ flaws ”(judgments, appearance, clothing), physically affects or creates obstacles. The victim is forced to react. Passively reacts - the buller accuses her of not being ready to respond. Actively responds - the buller will distort the meaning of the answer, and will announce the respondent himself as a boor or a liar, "explains Natalia Gorlova.
When the bullies grow up
It seems logical that the same adult will grow out of an aggressive child - but it cannot be said for sure. Alyona Prihidko says she doesn’t know a single study showing the linear evolution of buller children into adults like: “On the contrary, I know examples when people grew, repented and changed.”
Nevertheless, there is evidence that the harassment in childhood does not pass without a trace, and for all its participants: a buller, a victim, and even observers. In Norway, in 1998-2000 and 2012, a study was conducted in which more than 2,700 people participated. At first, the researchers studied the behavior of schoolchildren — boys and girls — of fourteen or fifteen years. The subjects were then retested when they were twenty-six to twenty-seven. The results showed that, compared with people who did not have such a traumatic experience in their childhood, the majority of participants in the persecution (both aggressors and victims) found it harder to find work and build comfortable relationships, they used psychoactive substances more often, they had more problems with health Those who bully others in school were more likely to be unemployed and used social support services.
Another study by British and American scientists also showed that bullying affects all of its participants. Matured bullies were more likely to be fired from their jobs, violence was more frequent in their adult relationships, they more often committed offenses or demonstrated dangerous behavior, for example, abused alcohol, took drugs, entered into casual relationships. But most of all, according to scientists, bullying was reflected in those children who were victims of bullying and poisoned others at the same time: in adulthood, they were more likely to have health problems, financial difficulties and problems in relationships — even when scientists considered other risk factors like difficulties in the family or mental health features. Of course, by themselves, these facts do not say directly that matured bulls remain aggressive - but it can be said unequivocally that harassment in childhood is not at all harmless.
Experts agree that you can stop the aggression by intervening in time. “Any behavior is fixed, if it is necessary for a person for something - or he cannot solve problems in a different way. Unfortunately, often moms and dads themselves do not know how to cope with anger, they can only call or hit. If you notice, that negative behavior begins to be fixed, it is necessary to back up the positive one: reward is better than punishment, ”Alena Prihidko is sure.
“Adult” bulling sometimes takes no less dramatic forms than a child’s. The victims admit that their colleagues are annoyingly and cruelly mocked by their colleagues, their requests are ignored, their appearance and habits are discussed aloud.
This is confirmed by Peter: “Father or mother took turns, and sometimes together, did homework with me. More precisely, they sat and looked over my shoulder as I wrote. Of course, I made mistakes. I rewritten the words“ Homework ”many times, for example. Of course, I was punished for mistakes. The threat of punishment or the punishment itself was made to make it even worse, and certainly not to stop. Only recently I realized that I stopped bullying at that moment when my parents stopped doing my homework and stopped smacking. They just saw that it's no use. Instead, they introduced a reward system "they began to give me money for five. I began to study better. They took it for granted, did not praise it even once. But the main motivation was not money, but the fact that they left me alone."
Anna Kornienko, a trauma therapist, the head of the Center for the elimination of the consequences of aggression and violence under MIGIP, is optimistic. She believes that bullying is not a sentence, but a pattern of aggressive behavior that can be changed: “All members of our team in the past were aggressive. We did not like it, and we began to change, to look for ways to become more balanced.”
Adult vs adult
It is important that the bulling is found not only among adolescents and schoolchildren, but also in adult groups. The European Foundation for the Improvement of Living and Working Conditions (Eurofound) found out that in 2010, workers in European countries who reported cases of bullying in the workplace were twice as many as those who reported physical violence (4% against 2%). Experts of the organization talk about the normalization of various forms of violence at work: it occurs so often that it becomes the norm of life and even the form of relationships in the work team.
“Adult” bulling sometimes takes no less dramatic forms than a child’s. The victims admit that colleagues are annoyingly and cruelly mocked by their colleagues, their requests are ignored, their appearance and habits are discussed out loud, and the boycott or "exclusion from the team" becomes not metaphorical, but quite real - for example, an inexperienced employee of a social institution was forced to do work , from which the rest refused, and once just locked in the room. It happens that the victim of a harassment is defiantly not called for corporate events: “They stopped calling me for birthdays: while everyone ate pizza pies, I was alone in the department,” says one of the victims of bullying.
Normalization of violence at work contributes to how the process of labor is changing. Over the past forty years there are more and more freelancers, temporary employees who are invited to work on a one-time project. Studies conducted in Japan have shown that temporary workers are more likely to become victims of insults by superiors and colleagues than permanent employees.
"If a person believes that bullying is normal and correct, then we cannot help him. All the techniques work only for someone who is willing to change."
Psychologist aggressor from the Agressia.pro project team Ekaterina Biryukova explains that it is possible to regulate such situations in the team of adults, paying attention to the interaction of colleagues. “Bulling can be a manifestation of an individual adult’s personality or a consequence of interpersonal or professional dissatisfaction, competition. If an employee cannot express these emotions, he will break down on others. And if a potential aggressor has the opportunity to speak openly, then both the boss and the subordinate have a chance to solve the problem Then the conflict does not arise. "
As with children's bullying, an adult needs to be controlled at different levels: both “horizontally” and “vertically”. There are special anti-bulking programs designed to change the whole system. Robert Baron and Deborah Richardson, who developed one of them, insist that individual efforts are ineffective: not only the actions of individual employees are necessary, but also the company's clear position on the inadmissibility of bullying. This company needs organization codes of ethics, special events that create a comfortable atmosphere.
Natalya Gorlova has been teaching future psychologists at the Siberian Federal University for many years: “We have a professional standard that we must form to graduate. I think it’s anti-bullying. It’s called“ The ability to work in a team, tolerantly social, ethnic, confessional and cultural differences. "It is this ability that is important to form with the help of special anti-billing programs in schools and to incorporate into corporate codes of companies." In addition, it is important to involve a "third party" - a psychologist or psychotherapist. Gorlova says that such employees are already found in the staff of large organizations: they help employees understand themselves and their aggression.
Reflection and professional help
To start working on a problem, you need to realize it. Peter says that he began to regret how he behaved at school for a long time: "I learned that I had to go through my class teacher after leaving school, and in general I learned about her difficult life situation, which became much more complicated due to my fault. as a classmate kicked (I did not take part in this episode, but there were others). My friend and I broke a classmate's nose. All this made me look at myself with different eyes. I realized that this was too much. "
Anna Kornienko believes that even if the parents did not explain to the child that bullying is violence, then as an adult, he himself can come to the conclusion that it is impossible to do this: "The main thing is to want to stop behaving aggressively and find what’s it will help. And if a person believes that bullying is normal and correct, then we cannot help him. All methods work only for someone who is ready to change. "
For independent work on her aggression, Anna Kornienko suggests thinking about herself, and not only about the victim: “We were not used to paying attention to ourselves — we were taught to be attentive to others. At first, this is unusual, but everyone can practice this attention. Care for yourself relaxes , tension goes away. We cease to consider the world aggressively opposed to us and begin to communicate more calmly with others. "
Adults who participated in bullying are not always able to defeat old habits on their own, even if they feel they want it.
An unequivocal answer to the question of whether bully children change when growing up, no, at least because man is not a robot and cannot be programmed once and for all. And even solving the problem of bullying in childhood does not guarantee that an adult will know how to cope with aggressive emotions and not throw them out on others.
However, in addition to self-examination, psychologists still advise seeking professional help. In the process, at a minimum, it will be possible to identify the root cause of the aggression, understand it and develop the ability to interact with others. In addition, adults involved in bullying are not always able to defeat old habits on their own, even if they feel they want it. "Проанализировав своё поведение, я стараюсь не поступать так, чтобы кому-то было плохо, - говорит Пётр. - Но за столько лет я втянулся, даже сейчас мне сложно себя контролировать. Приходится тратить много сил и времени на подбор формулировок, максимально лишённых обидного подтекста. Поэтому лучший способ - прекратить общение или свести его к минимуму. Самоизоляция и самоконтроль - всё, что мне доступно на данный момент", - говорит он.
