In a strange body: Who and why chooses surrogate mothers
In late March, Senator Anton Belyakov proposed to ban surrogate motherhood in Russia - under the pretext that the local legal framework is not good enough and Russia becomes a refuge for "reproductive tourism." People know little about surrogate motherhood, so there is a train of stereotypes and myths behind it, and they remember it most often due to noisy stories of pop stars. We talked to all participants in the process: a surrogate mother, biological parents, a family psychologist and the director of a surrogate motherhood agency, and tried to figure out how everything works from the inside, what laws are regulated and why all parties are subjected to pressure and censure.
BUT
Nna (the name was changed at the request of the heroine) because of the diagnosis, which she had been given as a child, always knew that she could not bear the child, and, realizing the situation, treated her calmly. "I thought so - maybe I will adopt, or maybe I will live without children at all - while the family’s question was hypothetical, I didn’t really dwell on it”, -
she tells. Then she began to meet with her future husband, and the couple wanted children. They considered different options and finally decided to try surrogate motherhood - this made it possible to become biological parents, but still did not want to deal with the guardianship and bureaucracy in adoption. Of course, there were no guarantees that everything would work out, but it was always possible to return to more complex options.
Our heroine says that surrogate motherhood is a difficult process both physically, financially and morally. After studying the topic, she came to the conclusion that it is customary to condemn everyone: the surrogate mother and the parents who use her services. This is largely due to a lack of knowledge and information; for example, it is believed that surrogate mothers are resorted to by "rich and lazy" women who do not want to bear a pregnancy and spoil the figure. At the same time, critics forget that the biological mother also has a hard time: the extraction of eggs is preceded by a long course of hormonal injections, which often lead to weight gain, severe mood swings and other complications. In addition, the first attempt, everything happens rarely. It is not excluded that a woman who does not want to be pregnant may choose a surrogate motherhood, but in the overwhelming majority of cases it is about couples who, for one reason or another, cannot have children.
“Spouses are experiencing severe stress,” recalls Daria Grosheva, a family psychologist and the founder of the Familybuilding project. “They need to admit their defeat, and not everyone is capable of it.” There are other nuances, for example, the spermatozoon and the egg cell may belong not to the biological parents, but to the donors: “At this stage, the parents experience a loss of their own hopes,” the psychologist continues, “and the alien material can provoke the subsequent rejection of the child as“ not his own. ” ".
According to Anna, whose daughter was bred by a surrogate mother, those who can have children will never understand those who cannot. “Surrounding people ask questions: why not adopt (and why should we adopt?), Why don't you breastfeed (and why should I make excuses?), Finally, why did you go against fate and do something unnatural? I think we , people differ from animals in that we try to somehow change our life and make decisions, and not to go with the flow. If it comes to that, then wear clothes, build houses, treat illnesses is also unnatural. "
TO
Surrogate mothers are not often resorted to in the world: assisted reproductive technologies are developing rapidly. But in case of failure, many choose this path precisely because of the difficulties with adoption. Even in Spain, where adoption is widespread and available to a wide variety of couples, in
In a certain situation, parents dreaming of a child get to the end of the line. In 2016, Nacho Aguio, creative director of Carolina Herrera, used the surrogate mother’s service in the US - he said, “when you are gay and lonely, you will have to wait many years in the queue for adoption”. Realizing what other parents have to go through, and wanting to help them, Nacho often talks about surrogacy and cooperates with one of the associations, whose work is aimed at the future legalization of this procedure in Spain.
In America, surrogate mothers can cost up to $ 150,000, and, as the designer told Vogue, for the sake of fulfilling his dream, he moved to a rented apartment, which he shared with four other residents, and grabbed for any proposed job for several years. Five years later, he applied for surrogate motherhood for the first time, and the attempt was unsuccessful: twin girls were born at a very early term and did not survive. Two years later, Nacho finally became the father of little Theo. The woman who endured and bore him a child, he calls the superwoman and emphasizes that the most important aspect in this whole process is voluntariness. According to him, in the USA, a woman who decides to become a surrogate mother should have both psychological and financial stability so that she does not depend on this procedure economically.
The issue of surrogacy in different countries is solved differently. In many states, for example in France, Germany, Portugal and Bulgaria, it is completely prohibited. In others, for example, Great Britain, Denmark and Belgium, only non-commercial surrogate motherhood is allowed: biological parents pay the immediate costs of the surrogate mother, and she is not entitled to remuneration. These measures should protect low-income women who go to extremes in order to earn money: supporters of this view say that those who are in dire need of money usually participate in the surrogate motherhood program. Finally, in Russia, some states of the USA, Ukraine and India, surrogate motherhood is fully permitted - subject to certain conditions: for example, most often the surrogate mother should already have her own child and she should have financial stability.
For visa reasons, our heroes, Anna and Dmitry, considered only Russia and Ukraine - and settled on the latter because of the price. In Ukraine, the main payment to the agency was about thirty thousand dollars, not including medical services and other expenses for the maintenance of a surrogate mother; in Russia at that time the price was about twice as high. There are different situations: for example, if a surrogate mother wants to hide everything from relatives or neighbors, future parents may be asked to pay her rent for an apartment. It is important that according to the law, the surrogate mother must already have her child; This is due to the fact that pregnancy and childbirth are always a risk, including the risk of not being able to have children in the future, therefore the child must be "in advance."
Anna rejoices in Ukrainian laws, where surrogate motherhood is spelled out clearly, on the other hand, she recalls that for the maternity hospital the whole situation was new and no one was exactly sure what to do at one time or another; everyone checked the instructions. "Sometimes the situation seems strange: for example, legally we immediately parents of this child and a surrogate mother do not bring it at all after giving birth, but feed from a bottle. On the other hand, at the time of discharge the baby is given into the arms of the woman who gave birth to him, to us, parents. So these are relatively rare cases, and not some kind of conveyor for carrying children, "she said. "Reproductive tourism" may be present, but only because in many countries surrogate motherhood is prohibited; we are not talking about the scale, for example, trips to Thailand or Latin America for cheap plastic surgery.
“Reproductive tourism” may be present, but only because surrogacy is prohibited in many countries.
AT
There are no statistics on surrogacy in Russia, but according to rough estimates, 400-500 children are born this way every year - this is quite a bit nationwide. Therefore, speaking of "reproductive tourism", it is necessary to understand that the service of surrogate motherhood is still a rarity.
The surrogate motherhood program was first applied here in 1995. Now this area is regulated by several laws at once: the Family Code of the Russian Federation, the Federal Law "On the Principles of Health Protection of Citizens in the Russian Federation", the Federal Law "On Acts of Civil Status" and the order of the Ministry of Health of the Russian Federation "On the use of assisted reproductive technologies, contraindications and restrictions to their use ".
By law, couples and single women who, for medical reasons, cannot have a child on their own can use the services of a surrogate mother. True, the law says nothing about single men - this is one of its gray areas. But this does not mean a total ban: for example, in 2010 in Moscow the court ordered the registry office to register a child born to a single man with the help of a surrogate mother. The law also contains requirements for a surrogate mother: a woman between the ages of twenty-five and thirty-five years old who has at least one healthy child of her own who has undergone an appropriate medical examination can become one. If a woman is married, she can participate in the surrogacy program only with the written consent of her husband.
By law, a surrogate mother cannot be both an egg donor. This is an important clarification: for example, in the USA similar requirements were introduced after in 1986 the surrogate mother, who was also the biological mother of the child, refused to give the baby to the biological father and his wife. In Russia, the child is passed on to biological parents with the consent of the surrogate mother. A woman, however, has the right not to sign papers: the country has a presumption of motherhood and the mother is the woman who gave birth to the baby.
H
Does that lead women who decide to become surrogate mothers? Partly they do it because of money, partly for mercy reasons. Anna says that in their case it was an intelligent woman with a higher education who, after a difficult divorce, found herself in a difficult financial situation. Besides
Moreover, her relative once used the service of a surrogate mother, and Inna (the name is changed) also decided to do a good deed: "For her, this is not something shameful, but a noble way to help others." Biological parents and Inna, who hatched their child, are familiar (although it is not necessary to get to know each other) and even chatted for some time on Skype.
Anna and Dmitry do not rule out the possibility of introducing their daughter to a surrogate mother in the future: “Of course, we will tell everything to our daughter as questions appear; the secret always becomes apparent and, as life shows, doesn’t bring anything to the good. and I don't think you need to hide the truth from a child or anyone else. "
To participate in the program are solved for various reasons. “I had been thinking about surrogate motherhood for a long time, even when I didn’t even have a child,” says Olga Korsunova, a resident of Kiev, now she is preparing to become a surrogate mother a second time. “I saw it for the first time in a movie and wondered what the problem was : after all, by agreeing, you know what you are going for, and if you think that you cannot cope - then why agree? When my child was already three years old, hostilities began in Donetsk and we had to leave (I am from Donetsk region) I went to the agency and joined the program horny motherhood. It was not a desperate and impulsive decision. It’s just time to do what I’ve been thinking about for a long time. "
A week after contacting the agency, Olga found a couple of biological parents from Spain and was invited for a medical examination. The parties entered into an agreement, and two months after the first visit of the woman to the clinic, she transferred two embryos - both took root. In the thirty-seventh week of pregnancy, she gave birth to two boys. "The children were immediately taken away, but they gave a glance. In the morning I signed the necessary documents, they gave me money, and I left the maternity hospital under my responsibility, as the relations with the staff did not work out and it was bad for me. Although I was offered to wait for the children to discharge and leave. with biological parents. " When asked if it was difficult to give the child, Olga says that she understood what she was doing: “I treated these children as children of my best friend. To take care, to leave them to myself - such desires didn’t even come close,” she says. we went to the embassy to sign the latest documents, the biological parents invited me to visit them (they lived in Kiev while the documents were being processed). They allowed me to hold the children, take a picture. We took excuses with them, and I went home. For me this story ended. And ended on a positive note. "
R
once in the future, and then give birth to one more own baby. She prepared for the program for half a year, hid her pregnancy from her parents, so from the sixth month she lived in Moscow, where she was supposed to give birth, with her younger son.
“Psychologically it was difficult due to the fact that I lived in a foreign city — I didn’t know the area, I was limited in possibilities, for example, going out for groceries with my son was very hard. There was no support,” says Julia. “Then before the birth of the son was taken to another city, I didn’t want to get up from the bed - the time was so hard and painful. Otherwise it was psychologically easy. I went to work to get money and solve my problems. all responsibility I think feel proud of the significance of the event. " It was not difficult to give Yulia's child: "It was a little sad that this long and difficult path was over. Probably there was a feeling of tenderness and sadness. But then after a couple of hours you run headlong to your children and rejoice that everything is finally over."
Psychologist Daria Grosheva believes that her own family helps a surrogate mother to survive this psychologically difficult stage: “She can gradually receive the support of her family and switch to her own life. It’s good if the surrogate mother’s family also has the opportunity to receive psychological support - because for them it’s also not easy test. But if the surrogate mother is alone, it can be much more difficult for her to handle this event. "
Survey data show that surrogate mothers face psychological difficulties due to the ambiguous attitude of society towards the phenomenon itself, that they often need psychological help both during pregnancy and after it. True, the sample of these studies is quite small: surrogacy is not very widespread.
P
Surrogate mothers consider it exploitation and compare it with sex work: the surrogate mother is also perceived as an object, and the body is used to satisfy other people's needs. The relationship between the surrogate mother and the biological parents of the child is largely based on inequality: the latter, as
generally have the best education and financial situation. In this situation, it is difficult to talk about a completely free choice - after all, often surrogate mothers enter the program because of a difficult money situation. The fact that many women are not ready to talk about their choice openly and do not want others to learn about their participation in the program also speaks about inequality. Surrogate mothers are often in a vulnerable position: for example, when biological parents control their every step. In addition, childbirth is always associated with risks to the health of a woman - and surrogate motherhood is no exception.
"I know that some radical feminists equate surrogacy almost to prostitution, calling it body trade. I consider myself a feminist and I can’t agree with this: it’s not about violence or a forced situation, but about a completely voluntary decision when a woman she chooses what to do with her body. In general, I think that two key points in this and other difficult issues are non-violence and the presence of adequate regulation. A good legislative base is critically important, "says our heroine An on.
But perhaps most of all the fears are caused by the emotional connection between the surrogate mother and the child: biological parents are often afraid that the woman will keep the baby for herself, and in society it is customary to condemn women who give away the child who has been carried out. Some surrogate mothers do tell that it was not easy for them to part with the child. “The surrogate mother is experiencing conflicting feelings - that her child and that in the future she will have to part,” explains Daria Grosheva. “It’s impossible to influence this process so that it passes without serious consequences, the mind is too complicated. Of course, to become суррогатной матерью, нужно пройти собеседование и обладать определёнными чертами характера. Например, эмоциональная отстранённость - более благоприятное условие для участия в программе, но ничто в психике не бывает абсолютным, поэтому все риски просчитать невоз ожно". Психолог отмечает, что даже когда суррогатная мать понимает, что беременность - это просто её работа, в организме происходят гормональные изменения, которые нельзя игнорировать.
Daria Shepeleva, CEO and partner of Reprio, believes that fears are unfounded: "This is an illusion that a surrogate mother will keep the child she is carrying. Everyone solves their problems: the couple has no other way to have a baby, and the surrogate mother decides financial question, ”she says.“ There is a presumption of motherhood in Russia, but in my practice there were no such situations. It is important to pay attention to the surrogate mother’s motivation. If she, participating in the program, wants to solve specific issues, there will be no problems. Biologists RP G parents also must clearly fulfill its obligations - to pay monthly compensation, the final compensation to assist with timely medical assistance With this should be no problem. ".
Much less talk about the other side of the problem: when the biological parents abandon the child. Andrew Vortsimer, an American lawyer who specializes in surrogate motherhood, recalls situations where a woman who decided to use the services of a surrogate mother realized that she did not want to raise a child who is not completely biologically native; another couple decided to divorce and offered to pay a surrogate abortion. There are other difficult situations: for example, when a fetus or baby is diagnosed with serious diseases, or if the surrogate mother herself begins to have health problems after giving birth, and also when there is more than one baby instead of one child.
The decision on surrogacy is not easy for both parties - it is a test for biological parents and for a surrogate mother, and they deserve to be respectful of their choice. “It’s impossible to completely forget that surrogate motherhood took place in a family, no matter what role you were in,” psychologist Daria Grosheva summarizes. “This is a large-scale event, not only financially, but also psychologically. It’s important to understand and be prepared for consequences. But not the fact that they will only be negative. During pregnancy, the mother also goes through a period of maturation, gets used to the new role, experiences “birth”, even if she watched this process from the side. "