Against stereotypes: I got married in Turkey
Three years ago, I moved to Istanbul and wrote about this adventure. Now I'm still in Istanbul and still happy: I continue to do marketing, travel a lot and get married. Yes, I am married to a Turk - the time has come to “remove the covers” from this topic.
Exception and rules
When I told my husband that I was writing this text, he was surprised: "What can you tell? I am not a typical Turk, and we have no significant marriage." It looks like the truth. My husband is a musician, DJ and producer. He is a social anthropologist with a diploma from the University of Ankara. He traveled a lot around the world and speaks excellent English. Finally, it even looks quite atypical: blond with white skin and an outstanding red beard.
Perhaps that is why we never look at our union through the prism of nationalities. We have no difference in education, understanding of sexuality and language barrier. We met quite the old-fashioned way: I went to drink coffee, he turned out to be the owner of a coffee shop, we started talking - and two days later we went on a “official” date. Since then, in fact, did not leave. He offered to get married in about two weeks, and it was so natural and easy that I agreed. For half a year we waited for the end of my tourist residence permit, then for two months we collected documents and as a result, we were quietly registered on March 8th. I basically wore a pantsuit, my husband was in black, and the guests were his family and two of my friends. We entered into a marriage exclusively for ourselves and our states - so that no political cataclysms would interfere.
I met Evren's family on the day of registration. It was scary, but from the very first second I was surrounded by such sincere love and acceptance that I burst into tears from an excess of feelings after the wedding. My husband has a calm, loving family, his parents have never tried to comment on our life or plans for the future. Although when they come to visit, I see that we are like from another planet: we don’t have four sofas in the living room, like in a typical Turkish house, there are no twelve identical plates for guests in the kitchen, but Araki’s album is on the bookshelf Splayed legs girl on the cover.
Non-interference of the family and our not very Turkish way of life help. We live in the very European region of Istanbul, and the atmosphere here is different - this is what allows us to live relatively outside the attitudes that define gender and family relations in Turkey.
Drivers of minibuses and Russian wives
If we are an exception, then there must be rules. But to summarize the experience of foreign women living with the Turks is extremely difficult: I know a lot of opposing stories. In one acquaintance, the mother-in-law of the soul does not know - and the other arranged a boycott, which lasts more than three years. One girlfriend complains that her husband has had impotence since he was thirty years old, and their sex life is zero - the other is exactly the opposite. Someone can not learn the language and make friends, and someone instantly adapts. In general, how many people - so many situations, and any of them can hardly be called one hundred percent indicative.
Nevertheless, stereotypes about Russian women and Turkish men are flourishing. One of the most frequent is that girls go to Antalya and there allegedly marry animators and drivers of minibuses. Novels with animators and other service workers are a common story: there are a lot of holiday novels for a week, there are hundreds of stories about how these relationships last for years - every year during the holidays. But I don’t know of a single mixed family that was formed this way - probably they will be, but not the majority of them. Romance under the stars usually ends quickly, especially when Romeo and Juliet cannot speak the same language.
The greater part of mixed marriages are quite prosaic stories: they studied together, worked together, met on a trip, and so on. Not to be unsubstantiated, I conducted a small survey in local groups on Facebook: “Russians in Istanbul”, “Russians in Antalya” and “Turkey. Friends.” A sample of eighty people produced the following results: 25% of the responding husbands are engineers, another 20% are intellectual workers (teachers, translators, lawyers), 15% are owners of small and medium businesses (not in construction or tourism). And only after that, with a share of 10%, employees of the tourism sector. Approximately the same indicator for employees (not in tourism and construction). And approximately 7% from representatives of creative professions and civil servants. Of course, this is a limited sample, but it also shows that Turkish husbands have quite diverse professions.
The country is divided into two camps. The first see the family "traditionally": a woman is covered with a handkerchief, leads a secluded life and depends on the man. The second - the liberals in matters of family and marriage, recognize the equality of partners
Another common opinion is that only a woman “without moral principles” can marry a Turk, whose chances of finding a couple in Russia are supposedly small. A friend of mine admitted that when she came to Russia, she simply did not tell the men that she lived in Turkey: “They have such a face, as if I personally insulted them and with me“ everything is clear ”.” This is a familiar move: devalue your appearance, intelligence, and moral qualities. I have already written about the fact that the Turks are mostly absolutely ordinary men - the same story is with women from Russia.
Many believe that the Russian wife is the ultimate dream of any Turk. Despite all the stories about the magical power of the Slavs over local men, supported by the story of Sultan Suleiman and Roksolana, this is a myth. Of my Turkish friends, two are married to Finns, one to a Croat, a third to a Frenchwoman, and one to a Nigerian. And this is not counting those who are married or in a relationship (amazing thing!) With Turkish women. This only confirms the statistics: among the Turkish brides in 2017, only 3.7% are foreign women, and Russian women only in fifth place - 1,147 registrations per year. So much for "I will give everything for a Russian wife!"
Another stereotype is that Turkish men are "sex machines" and "animal passion." I'm afraid to disappoint, but they are the same as the others: they have different libido, different sexuality and different approach to sex. Yes, there are those who often want sex, but there are many who have problems in the sexual sphere: the Turks are terrible workaholics, plus they are prone to depression, which can not but affect all spheres of life.
Contrasts and workaholism
Turks are very different. Greeks, Armenians, Arabs, Georgians, Kurds, Balkan Slavs, even the French, Germans and the British - everything is mixed up here. Depending on the roots of the Turks may be completely different appearance, mentality and attitudes. Plus, the country is divided by political views. A part - supporters of traditional way of life, religious and conservative (they are represented by the ruling party AKP and president Recep Tayyip Erdogan). The other half are the so-called Kemalists, supporters of the ideas of Atatürk, the father of the modern Turkish Democratic Republic. They stand for a secular state, for emancipation, for integrating into the world community. The first, respectively, see the family "traditionally": the woman is covered with a handkerchief, leads a solitary life and depends on the man. The second - the liberals in matters of family and marriage, recognize the equality of partners. They live side by side, and it is as if two parallel Turkey. It is necessary to carefully look at the background of the chosen one, so as not to get "the wrong address."
Turkish men are scary workaholics. The six-day working week is the norm: this concerns the majority of private companies and a part of state institutions. The working day begins at eight or nine in the morning and lasts not eight hours, but until it stops. On Saturday, the shortened day is up to three to four hours. And the Turks, who come under contract to Russia to construction companies, often have only one day off in two weeks. Those who own a hotel, a shop or any office office tend to spend days (and nights) there, and although the intensity of their work often raises questions, the fact remains that they don’t have free time.
This does not seem to be a problem, as long as loneliness and endless waiting become the usual state. In my life there was a beautiful man, and for almost a year I waited for the completion of his contract in Algeria, where he designed a large factory. The contract was prolonged each time, he agreed every time, motivating it with good money, told me this, coming for three days between the stages of construction, I cried and waited. After the third time, roaring all day, I decided that it was impossible.
Turkish man is not necessarily an eternal holiday, and "sunny Turkey" cannot magically make a partner more stress-resistant and life-loving
At the same time, the Turks themselves are prone to melancholy and depression. My friend, who has lived here for five years, talked about the "Turkish depression" as an axiom. I waved away, but a year passed, and I came to the conclusion that she was right. This is confirmed by dry statistics: for example, from 2005 to 2010, the use of antidepressants increased by 65%.
In part, you can blame the family life. On the one hand, any Turkish man is a former Turkish child, caressed and loved. On the other hand, he feels a great responsibility for his own family and children. The combination in the killing practice: "I have to, everyone can rely only on me" should get along with "I think I do not live my life" and "I live only for others." I think that many men and women face this kind of internal conflict, and nationality is not decisive here. But it is important to understand: a Turkish man is not necessarily an eternal holiday and “sunny Turkey” cannot magically make a partner more stress-resistant and vivacious.
Turkish men are very whimsical in everyday life. This does not mean that they communicate with women in the spirit of "bring-serve." But, for example, here is a real cult of purity. As my friend wrote on Facebook, “to become a Turkish woman is when you realize that you did not just wash the windows, but wash them three times, moreover with distilled water.” Here everything is done that way. My husband cleans the house himself, and every day - with my careless attitude, apparently, he does not trust me.
Picky Turks and in terms of food. If someone believes that the Turk can be fed with borsch and dumplings and he will fall into ecstasy - alas, no. Most will not eat food cooked by a foreigner, especially if it is not Turkish food, but something from foreign cuisine. There are legends about Russian-Ukrainian cuisine in general, that we add pork fat everywhere (even to chocolates!). There are two options: either put up with and just order food (there are no problems with delivery), or master Turkish cuisine.
As for alcohol, apart from traditionally religious people, the Turks are not against themselves to drink. True, here too they are conservative and believe that humanity has not invented anything better than crayfish - aniseed brandy. Therefore, at least the smell of anise will have to get used to.
Relationships and children
Turks believe in romantic love. Yes, this may sound naive, but it really sets them apart, for example, from most Europeans. My friends living in Europe, in one voice say: the relationship and the more marriage here - this is primarily a social partnership. And only in the second, and even in the fifth - romance, passion and all the accompanying entourage. In Turkey, the idea of love in its classical understanding is in the air, they dream about it, they cherish it, and love is considered an indispensable and necessary part of life. Good or bad - judge for yourself. On the one hand, it seems to be more pleasant to marry out of love than simply agreeing that it is more convenient to live this way; on the other hand, love comes and goes, but the marriage contract remains.
In this case, the Turks are very fond of children. I would like to say that the family as a whole is sacred to them, but, alas, not always. But the children - for sure. My friend Lisa Birger wrote in detail about this: “In contrast with the Russian“ exemplary fathers ”, this, of course, touches and captivates. And if you clearly understand that you don’t think of a happy family life without children, then the Turkish father is, perhaps, the best choice. " Attention, sincere joy, money at last - the Turkish dad will not skimp on it. Yes, and Turkish workaholism - this is also partly a consequence of this hyper-responsibility. But children can also easily become a tool for manipulation in relationships, if family life does not work out. Terrible stories about how Turkish fathers take away or steal children should be divided into one hundred (laws work well in Turkey, and in most cases they are on the mother’s side), but the fact that children are used to nerve blackmail is quite a common approach.
For a Turkish man, life in the virtual space is often more intense and more interesting than offline events. Sometimes it seems that real relationships - meetings, conversations, life, and even sex - are of much less interest to them than correspondence in instant messengers. Who put someone like someone, who added whom to friends, is much more important than real actions or events. For example, even my calm husband gave me a tirade when he discovered that of the three hundred likes of our wedding photo, one was put by my former boyfriend. I still did not understand that he was so outraged, but the story is quite typical - probably, because the Turkish society is still quite squeezed. A man owes something to everyone - an employer, parents, neighbors, future generations - and he runs into the virtual world, creating a new personality. By the way, Turks like to get acquainted on the Internet and can be in virtual relationships for years - in the case of foreigners, this is generally a win-win (unfortunately, this is often parallel to a real family). Yes, sometimes such unions end in marriage, but it’s not worth feeding extra illusions.
Where to run and what to do
I would like to tell you about my very first novel with a Turk. Then I didn’t even think about moving, I didn’t know anything about modern Turkey and therefore, unexpectedly for myself, “fell into love”. He was incredibly sweet, decent, caring and generous and literally put Istanbul to my feet. I had already dreamed of a happy life, when I unexpectedly ran into his family, as traditional as possible. Three brothers, six sisters - all women cover their heads, and each, despite the fact that they are under twenty-five, has at least two children. And here I realized that I would never, under any circumstances, be able to become a part of this world and live such a life. Not because it is bad, but because it is not mine. And for the same reason, my chosen one will never truly understand me, my friends, and my lifestyle. We still tried to be together, then we broke up - it was terribly painful, but I am glad that everything was decided that way.
In a relationship with any foreign man you need to force yourself to look at the situation soberly. Ask direct questions: about religious and political attitudes, attitudes towards family life, source of income, education, and profession. If you cannot fully communicate in the same language, it is difficult for you to discuss the film or the events of the day, and his social circle is puzzling - it is better to take a pause and think hard about the prospects.
If everything suits you and you are even ready to move, then ask yourself what you will do in Turkey (or any other country), regardless of your husband or boyfriend. Can you find a job, engage in hobbies, fulfill plans and dreams that do not relate to relationships and family? Do you have at least a minimal interest in a new country? Do you have the enthusiasm and energy to cope with difficulties, make new acquaintances and start life from scratch? My opinion is that no man is worth moving and changing his whole life just for his sake. Relationships and family - this is an important, but far from the only part of life.
If you cannot fully communicate in the same language, it is difficult for you to discuss the film or the events of the day, and his social circle is puzzling - it is better to take a pause and think hard about the prospects.
Finally, if you have decided everything exactly and have already moved, remember: in a foreign country you are always in a vulnerable position. The foreign bureaucratic system does not have much to do with you (in a bad sense), the domestic one does not. Finding a job in a new country is difficult, because you are a foreigner, at home - because you have moved. Finally, there are no relatives and families to help. In this situation, of course, it is very tempting to become a "weak woman" and entrust all care for yourself to a foreign husband. But, in my opinion, this is the worst thing you can choose abroad. It is precisely such stories that can end up in extreme cases with domestic tyranny and abjuz, and in the usual case - just with boredom, apathy and lack of realization. Follow the simple rules: at the basic level, look into the country's migration legislation (to know exactly what you are here legally), always keep your documents with you or know where they are (in a safe with your husband at work, but you have not seen them for a year - bad option), monitor and control migration procedures, and do not rely on your husband (extension or replacement of a residence permit, visa, etc.) and finally find your own source of money - if you don’t work, let it be a banal nest or an account in the bank one country. Страшные истории о восточных мужьях-тиранах, которые тиражирует пресса, - это исключение из правил, но разумно всегда иметь отходные пути.
Ну и последнее: подумайте пятьсот раз, прежде чем заводить ребёнка. Если вы испытываете дискомфорт, если вас преследует мысль, что это не ваша жизнь, и тем более если есть насилие или абьюз - ребёнок может сделать вас заложницей ситуации ещё на долгие годы.
Все мои наблюдения применимы, как мне кажется, к любым отношениям - не важно, какой национальности партнёр. Просто брак с иностранцем и жизнь в чужой стране делают вещи более чёткими. Bureaucratic problems, foreign culture, the lack of a common language, the usual circle of communication and occupation expose and exacerbate existing problems. On the other hand, if relations are built on mutual respect and like-mindedness, pressure can, on the contrary, rally, help everyone to open up. And, of course, no one has canceled cultural enrichment.
When I wrote this text, I asked women from Russia from local Facebook groups to share stories. I was expecting the whole palette - from enthusiasm to "don't go, girls, get married." And I was very surprised that more than a dozen happy stories were sent to me. From different cities, from religious and non-religious families, with different “adventures” on the way to marriage and from women of different ages. And now I understand for sure that Tolstoy was right when he said that happy families are equally happy. For inter-ethnic families, this is exactly the case.
