You cook, I wash the dishes: How couples share household chores
NOT SO LONG FOR THE GUARDIAN PUBLISHED COMICS French illustrator Emma, who clearly explained why women still do more housework, despite the fact that everyone seems to have agreed that responsibilities should be shared equally. In her opinion, the thoughts of men are not so subordinated to cleaning and cooking: they do not make lists, do not plan household chores for a week, and generally rarely show independence in this area.
Thus, men are still subordinates or assistants, and women are managers who constantly have to think about everyday problems. We talked to men and women who live with a partner, and learned how they share household chores, who takes on more responsibility and what different ideas about comfort lead to.
We immediately agreed with the guy that I take over the cooking and washing things, while he will be engaged in repair, washing dishes and take out the garbage. About once every two weeks we call cleaning, so the flooring and wet cleaning are done by professionals. I also usually go for groceries and, in principle, I like to do it, whereas my partner does not tolerate the spirit. In general, I get the feeling that my head is much more crowded with household chores: I make lists, plan something. While my boyfriend is intellectually free of it and just fulfills my requests.
We work equally much, but still I spend more time on household chores. This is due to the fact that I basically have higher requirements for cleanliness in the apartment. I can not remove the scattered things, because I will be uncomfortable, while my boyfriend may not even notice. Because of this, we often argue. It's just hard for me to impose my notions of order on a person.
My boyfriend never says that I have to do something around the house because I am a woman. But I still do, perhaps, because of education and stereotypes. I myself am angry that I spend too much time on it, but I continue to do some optional things.
My husband and I live for two years together, and I cannot say that at one moment we clearly divided the responsibilities. Rather, we do everything as possible and desire: the one who wants at the moment is washing the dishes.
Not so long ago, I went to freelancing, began to spend more time at home and do more things that I had ignored before. For example, I had to start cooking for myself - I hadn’t done it at all before. Sometimes I cook more food so that Gleb also eats, but in general he usually dines at work, and I don’t feel any pressure. By the way, many dishes he has come out better, so sometimes he also stands at the stove.
It is very important for me that the house be clean, while Gleb may not notice the confusion. So I usually do the cleaning, I am pleased to turn on the music and distract from other things, wiping something. It relaxes me. I hate washing the windows, so Gleb always takes over. He can't stand vacuuming - that's what I do. Better we will do more familiar things than one, but very unpleasant. We distribute the rest of the cases on the basis of free time.
We never call cleaners, because I’m sure that no one will clean the apartment as well as I do. My parents had quite a lot of housekeepers, and I know how difficult it is to find someone who will not only clean up well, but also put your things in the right places. Plus, I'm not sure that I will feel comfortable if we have another person at home.
Recently we had a cat, and I took upon myself all the responsibilities of caring for him: feeding, cleaning, visits to the doctor. Firstly, I wanted to start it, and secondly, I just like it. We do not swear because of everyday issues, because we follow our desires and needs. True, sometimes I grumble at Gleb due to the fact that he left a conditional T-shirt on the sofa, but this is more likely due to my bad mood.
I live with a guy a little more than three years. During this time, our attitude towards domestic duties has not changed, and there has never been an agreement. Everything works for us in the following way: he earns money for our family, pays for the apartment and food, and I study, cook, wash and keep the house in order. Everything suits me, and I love to feed my boyfriend when he comes home from work.
However, he can do everything himself - he loves order and maintains it easily. I remember how I was amazed at his habit of immediately putting clothes in a closet in even perfect piles, while my things almost fell out of a narrow closet. For three years, we changed about five apartments, so Vania’s talent (my boyfriend) was very useful. When we drive into a new place, he ingeniously puts everything in its place, and I already maintain cleanliness.
I like in our life that nobody bothers anyone. Yes, I have cooking and cleaning for me, but if I have a study, a job or just laziness, there will be no complaints. Vanya will remove everything himself. In addition, if he does something, then he brings it to perfection. Recently, he began to wash dishes more often, but he does this for a very long time, in several stages, under the included series. I, too, can easily wash the dishes, almost do not notice. And the most unpleasant thing for me in housework is to wash the floors. I also can’t buy a mop, so I have to do it on all fours.
Domestic duty is the worst thing you can think of. With constant conflicts due to bytovuhi no happiness will not. I clean the apartment because I love cleanliness. And I am pleased to see how happy Vanya is when he eats my food. And when I do not want to wash, cook, wash, then I just do nothing. Sooner or later, I still bring the apartment to such a state that the desire to live in purity will return by itself.
I have been living with a young man for almost four years, and household duties are the only subject that sometimes causes us to quarrel. At first, we had a tacit agreement on the distribution of cases: he was vacuuming, washes the floor, and takes out the garbage, and I do the rest. But at some point, a combination of laziness and extreme tiredness ruined everything.
Misha does not like to clean the apartment and does not know how. He can live quite calmly in a dirty apartment with a tumbleweed made of dust, so that it is rather difficult to persuade him to clean up on the weekends. In turn, I love cleanliness, but I also often lazy. I can’t do all the domestic by my own, and in general I think that this is unfair. True, no one expects me to keep the house in permanent cleanliness. Rather, the partner urges to follow his example - more rest and less steam.
Of course, this does not mean that my young man does not do anything at all. For example, he takes out the garbage, goes to pay bills and resolves all issues with utilities, if they arise. Sometimes we still do general cleaning, although this rarely happens. Most often, we shamefully clean up before the arrival of guests.
With food, everything is simpler. We rarely eat at home, but I enjoy cooking something on weekends. When I'm lazy, I ask Misha to make a meal, and he does not refuse. If we both feel too hungry and too tired, then just order delivery.
Now I have practically come to terms with this situation - in the end, I will not redo my partner and force him to do what he does not want to do. While we cannot afford it, but in the future, I think we will just start using the services of cleaning companies and stop tormenting ourselves.
When we first started living together, many of our friends thought that I would cook and clean the house, and my boyfriend would come home from work and rejoice. Both of us hated such acquaintances because we do not take seriously this old patriarchal division “a woman prepares - a peasant works”. We have no separation. We try to do everything in turn and sometimes even argue about which of us will do the dishes, cook dinner or scrub the floors. However, when Yaroslav takes over the house cleaning, he cleans up so that everything is clean outwardly. I love every corner to be washed, because sometimes I finish after it.
We both love to scatter things. With one difference: I clean my own every few days, but he doesn't. Sometimes I fold his clothes, and sometimes I wait a week for him to remove them. It seems that this is what he most dislikes doing. And I just hate ironing shirts. When I first tried to cope with another shirt at Yaroslav, he simply took the iron and stroked it himself. Since then, only he strokes them - he likes it.
Before getting together, I lived in a university dormitory in complete chaos, where most girls really behaved like pigs. Yaroslav lived with his mother, who did not work then and only did what she cooked and cleaned. I was very afraid that with me he would feel uncomfortable. Still, I study and work, I constantly have a lot to do. Instead of preparing myself breakfast, lunch, dinner, or washing yesterday's dishes, I could drink coffee and tea all day without interrupting my work on the texts.
Having ridden with Yaroslav, I realized that I could not change my usual routine. When I told him that I was worried about his habit of living with his mother, who did everything perfectly, he replied that it was precisely for this reason that he wanted to get together. He likes to cook himself and clean things in the way that seems right to him, and not to his mother.
We immediately agreed with the guy: I completely clean the house once a week, he takes over the cooking. But it did not work because of the work. Now we have a new plan: daily cooking is carried out by one who has the time and energy, and cleaning remains at the end of the week and is divided into two. Usually we put things in places, wipe the dust, wash the floor, clean the bath and sink. Sometimes we both don’t want to clean up on the weekend and just don’t do it. We usually cook dinner, which you can take with you for lunch, and dinner. Most often, this is still my boyfriend, because for me it is sometimes painful to stand at the stove after work. And my boyfriend, for example, does not like to wipe dust - but for me this is not a problem at all.
It is very important that a man does not think that a woman, by definition, should monitor the house. In the context of modern living conditions, one can proceed only from the factor of employment: who objectively manages to take over the responsibilities of the house during the week, he takes it. And on the next, for example, the opposite. Equal employment - equal distribution of duties. We try not to clash, but to negotiate. For example: "And let's agree to turn over the wet cups so that they do not have divorces."
My mother always said that in her youth, after their wedding with her dad, she cleaned the house almost twice a day to make her mother-in-law happy. Now parents have the same workload, but the responsibilities of the house are still more on his mother's shoulders. I do not understand how she does everything, and does not agree with such orders.
We do not have a specific agreement on the division of duties. We distribute tasks equally each time a need arises. For example, on weekends we do the cleaning: we estimate the entire volume and divide it equally. I have a vacuum cleaner and cleaning in the kitchen, and Alina lays out things and wipes dust. We almost always follow the agreements, but it happens that we just hammer on them and go to the movies. By the way, we have been going to try cleaning for a long time, but so far our hands have not reached. We also got a cat. I didn’t agree especially, but it turned out that now I usually clean up after him, and Alina feeds me. We usually have one who has more free time. I love and know how to do it - for me it is not a problem. Alina is doing great too. Previously, we often ordered food delivery, but now we are trying to keep track of food and budget.
What I don’t like is cleaning up common spaces - they leave much to be desired in our rented two-room apartment, the motivation to clean them is not always enough. This is partly why we are moving to a renovated apartment, albeit not in such a convenient area.
I do not think that a woman should do all homework by default, this is unfair and in general a relic of the past. But, if someone is satisfied with a relationship in which a woman is engaged only in the household, it is strange to deny it.
Our family does not have a strict separation of duties. We are both actors, we have a non-standard schedule, a small child, so we always have to adapt and improvise. My wife Masha went to work when our son was three months old.
True, there are things that someone likes more or does not like at all. For example, Masha does not like to wash dishes, and I treat this normally, so I do it without any problems. Masha cooks better, so she usually takes it upon herself, even if she doesn't really like it. But I, of course, often replace it. Generally, if we talk about who should do more at home, I think it depends on employment. For example, with a child, we walk depending on who stayed at home, and together - if both are free. Unfortunately, I see very few fathers with children in the playgrounds.
We do not really swear because of everyday things - in principle, we are not very conflicted people. But, of course, more household chores falls on Machines shoulders: washing, cleaning. I try to help as much as possible: hang clothes, vacuum clean, help clean things up, clean the tray after the cat (this is my holy duty). I just usually work more.
Although when Masha has a blockage in the theater, I am the main one. True, she always leaves me a job, makes a to-do list - I can easily forget something. In terms of order, Masha is much more organized than me, she loves cleanliness and comfort. I'm actually a terrible slut, and in any case, I'm fine. But our life together and having a baby undoubtedly influenced me for the better. I became more responsible to the household duties.
Photo: Csaba Deli - stock.adobe.com, Alexey Achepovsky - stock.adobe.com, Liaurinko - stock.adobe.com, Maxim Godkin - stock.adobe.com, dizolator - stock.adobe.com