"Are you married?": Three foreigners talk about life in Russia
In one of the first Lonely Planet guides in Russia there was a separate chapter with recommendations for traveling women, where, in particular, they warned that it was better not to sit on the grass or, even worse, on the stone parapet in the presence of the Russian babushka. What such a conditional "grandmother" can say can be imagined: "Do not sit on the ground (on the stone), you still have children to give birth to!" Foreign tourists were advised to take this invasion calmly, not to argue, to immediately get up - the critic would not leave until she was obeyed. Maria Makeeva talked with three foreigners who lived here long enough and understood what to expect for a woman from Russia.
I came to Russia to work as a journalist. In college, I wrote my dissertation "Russian women at work in the post-Soviet era." That is, I was interested in women in Russia and what distinguishes local feminism from feminism in the West. I was very young and very naive and did not think that my gender really affects something. I was from a liberal New York environment, went to a very liberal female college and thought I could achieve everything I wanted. In Russia, I saw all these advertisements inviting the work of secretaries, where there were wishes for age, height, hip size and chest, and that was blondinka. And I was shocked: what is it, how can it be ?!
In Russian reality, there are many stereotypes with which I had to fight every day. The simplest example is that you sit in a taxi, go to an interview, and the first question a taxi driver asks is: "Are you married? Do you have children?" For me, this has never been a priority, in Russia I worked 24 hours a day. My life was not men or children, this is not what I specifically think about now. The fact that every day several times I heard this question was both curious and discouraging. Domestic sexism is exhausting.
There is one more thing that I realized only now, at a distance: in the community of foreign journalists working in Russia, there is a certain stereotype regarding Russian women. From the side of western men there is a lot of sexism. And I see now that I was compromising with myself. That is, she took over the manners of this macho-style and looked down on Russian women. Well, on some Russian women. They were such, devushki. And I laughed at them, instead of accepting - behaved like my male colleagues.
In Russia, it seems to me, it is generally more difficult for a woman to get respectful attitude. For example, when I first came to Russia I was 23 years old, I was very, very young, very child. I went to a press conference, spoke with various officials, and realized that they were turning to me for "you": "Nu, devushka, nu zachem takoy vopros?" For me, as for an American, it sounded crazy. What a girl I am here, I'm a journalist!
Is there equality in Russia? You can get any work, but how much money will you get for it? Will it be prestigious? Can a woman grow to the main head? How many female oligarchs are in Russia? But the main problem is still social behavior. From domestic violence, which is widespread, to the role as a whole, which a woman plays here, she is put in a very strict framework. However, in America every day the scandals associated with violence, such as rape on student campuses. This is an institutional problem, and it cannot be said that it does not exist in the United States. This is what women all over the world are facing, but still the question is also about how a particular country solves such problems and how people discuss them.
It seems to me that in Russia there was a kind of campaign to return to traditional values, in some form it still continues. On the other hand, it’s awesome to see that there are discussions about rape and domestic violence, so there is clearly progress.
I like being a woman, I think it's cool. Somewhat strangely, being a woman helped my career in Russia. The same guy who told me "nu, devuska", instead of treating me like a journalist, underestimated me, saw just a short young woman, chatted, chatted, chatted and gave me an exclusive. When you are underestimated, you can wrap it in your favor, if you understand what is happening. However, in Washington the same thing is now. Young correspondents almost every day tell similar stories from the series "The 60-year-old senator did not understand who he was talking to, and he let it go."
The first time I came to Russia five years ago, I spent a month in Tyumen - it was such a summer school. I really liked it. In my Sciences Po (Institute for Political Studies) in Strasbourg, I have to study abroad for the third year, so I decided to go to Russia, studied at the faculty of international relations and at the faculty of St. Petersburg State University, where I also worked and, of course, traveled a lot across Russia. I really liked it because everything is possible in Russia. All bad and all good at the same time. I had the feeling that I was almost at home. People here, of course, are sometimes a little crazy, but I didn’t think it would be like this: my mother is French, my father is German, and I feel a little Russian. In the local there is something romantic and melancholic at the same time.
Gender stereotypes are very strong in Russia, to a much greater extent than in France. A woman should be conventionally beautiful, attractive, and a man should be strong. In France, not so straightforward. Of course, I had many friends in Russia. And when I held the door for a man, everyone was amazed: "Why are you doing this? You're a woman!" And for me, this is normal. Or, for example, in the Moscow metro a man gives way to a woman - in France this does not exist at all. When I did the same for a man, everyone looked at me, as if something was wrong with me. And it was just politeness!
When I worked in a company in St. Petersburg, one day my boss came and said that I was very beautiful. It was so strange: I'm a teacher, I can not say that I am beautiful, this is not your business, you know? Compliments, of course, are possible, but if I have a boss in front of me, and I am not a model, it sounds very strange.
We have a lot of open relationships, such as sexfriends, in Russia they are almost completely non-existent. In France, a date usually means going out together for a drink. And for you - "let's walk together around the city." Well, okay, great, but he came with a rose! And I do not understand at all what is it? It is like a marriage proposal! Okay, I agreed to take a walk, but why did you come with a rose?
Sometimes it seems to me that I am going crazy: there is a feeling that women in Russia support sexism more than men. They love to be treated like princesses. They want gifts, flowers, a man must solve all problems. I do not understand this at all. I recently had a conversation with a friend, she is from St. Petersburg, but she lives in Moscow — she told me that she wanted to be weaker. She explained that if it were weaker, it would become more attractive for men. Of course, I do not think so! Although in France, too, are afraid of strong women.
I have a feeling that during the Soviet Union, women had to be strong, and then they again wanted to become "feminine" and therefore abandoned the idea of equality. There are also statistics on the share of women in the government, and in Russia there are very low numbers. In France, too, but in Russia there are very low figures in the number of women in leadership positions.
In France, now almost every day there are articles about feminism. About three years ago, when I said that I was a feminist, they all twisted their fingers at their heads. And now almost all women of my age (I'm 24) will say: "Of course, I am also a feminist." Yes, and men say so. So the situation is much better than five years ago.
Sometimes a woman is difficult, of course. It's not fair that you can't just walk around the city at one in the morning because it’s dangerous for us. Of course, we have periods, and it is easier for women than men to catch a venereal disease, this also annoys me very much.
In France there is a street harassment, when men shout after you all sorts of things on the street - that you are “very beautiful” or that “you are with a ** a”. In Russia, I did not come across this at all, and in France - often, almost every day. We see this sexism, and we do not love it. And in Russia, I have a feeling, sexism is so tricky and convenient. And for women, and for men. A man loves to be strong, and a woman loves to receive gifts and say: "Great, my man solves all my problems, as it is convenient." And yet, men in Russia have more opportunities in life. Get a good job, just more likely to live well.
Russia in 1989 was a chance for me in my career, plus a psychological distance from home and parents. For a western German, being in the eastern world meant that now, the distance, and mum and dad were immediately far, far away. They were shocked, of course, when I said that I was going to the Soviet Union, and asked: "But why not to France or to America?"
I do not know why, but it cost me somewhere in Russia to say that I am German, I immediately began to be treated with such respect: "Yes, huh ?!" Mercedes, BMW, everyone here believes that Made in Germany is a discipline, a culture. And never in any situation have I heard any criticism regarding fascism. And after the German aggression against the Soviet Union, this was a surprise for me. In France and England it is different, such an interesting difference, in Russia they told me: "Well, you have such a culture - Goethe, Heine." And I told them: "Well, the fascists also read Goethe and Heine, but we did have concentration camps." But there is such a division - that there are good Germans, and there are fascists, and I have never received any complaints.
Of course, I was very politically active back in 1985 — I worked hard and hard for the Social Democrats, for the movement of the left. My mother had four of us (one brother and three sisters), she considered: first education, and then marriage. And she told us: "Do not believe that you will have a husband for the rest of your life." Mom really influenced us in this regard. By the way, the main book of my life is “Russian Beauty” by Viktor Yerofeyev, I read it in German, the main character is also a feminist, because she, after all, decides for herself how she will live.
In Russia, everything has changed a lot, of course, in twenty years. Women in the late 90s, like bunnies, sat next to men. This is not a Western style at all - they are very careful with makeup and clothes. Shoes - I didn’t understand at all how it was possible to walk down the street on such heels all day in such shoes. It was a shock, and for me later, if it shows (showing a bright red manicure)It became a reason to go back. It was absolutely impossible with us: no make-up, nothing, - now I have adapted.
In Russia, I often worked with women's teams - it was very simple. I love working with women who already have a child: they are super-organized and are happy to return to work after the decree. And this is a strength in Russia: they are much more integrated into economic processes. I noticed that many oligarchs work with strong women - financial directors, managers.
In Russia, of course, old boys network is very strong(male "mafia", communication, based on the former friendship and acquaintances, hiring a classmate, etc. - Approx. author)so that it will be difficult for a woman in the steel, oil, gas business, it is better to choose the financial sector, insurance, cars. And in Germany, this situation. A woman can climb to the very top only without children. Because it’s very difficult to find a kindergarten, family support no longer works, everyone moved from their cities and villages to the capitals, finding a nanny is also difficult (if you do it officially), and also if you are fully dedicated to your career and you This is a child, so you are a bad mother. And vice versa, if there are no children, but you make a career, everyone will say “well done”. This social pressure exists today.
Surprisingly, now young women in Germany are psychologically back and reason like this: better a good husband, after the institute, work for 3-4 years, and then sit at home. Everything came back, very sorry, very few aspirations for career growth. And in Russia, it seems to me, it is normal, if you say after six months or a year: “Everything, I came back, I want.” And in Russia there is an opportunity - it remains even after the Soviet Union - to devote oneself to purely masculine professions. This is a big plus. And historically, after the war, in 1945, it was - the husband either died or was held captive. Then the husbands returned home, and the women in the 50s returned back to the kitchen, to the children and family life. Men very carefully pushed women into the background. In Russia, it seems to me, everything is changing, and I am waiting for more women in politics.
The fact that I am a woman affected my work. There will be hard talk, say: "You're hysterical." If you speak weakly, they will say: "She is an aunt." If you say: "Please, can I finish my sentence?" (this is a very masculine turn), they will immediately say: "It is dominant." I work in Russia, and a man who sits there far away, in peace, in Germany, will not be able to say: "Russia is easy." The man is at the front! They will not be able to say: "She does not know how," - you understand? Many women's careers began on the exotic, through the most difficult tasks, or countries, or in companies on the verge of bankruptcy, this is an opportunity, an empty niche.
And, of course, a separate conversation - this is a personal life. The style of the 90s in Russia - parties, baths, and I absolutely do not like a bath, I do not go there either one or with men. While working at Axel Springer, there was a great risk of being in a potentially compromising situation. I decided sixteen years ago that I would come alone for every official evening. And that personal life is a supertabe. Many here shout in the back: "What a whore."
Women in Russia is the back. In the socio-economic sense. I think that without women here the country would already have a complete bankruptcy in the economy. They work, they sit with their children, look after their parents, and their husbands. Women solve many not always noticeable tasks and easily leave the comfort zone. They simply say: "Yes, it must be done, it is unpleasant, but it is necessary." “Everything will be fine” is not my favorite phrase, but in this case it works. Women say: "So, everything will be fine," - go and do.
It would be great if in Russia there was less social pressure on a woman, in the sense that she would definitely need a child. And it would be very useful if in Russia they turned to psychologists more often in order to better understand myself and get an answer to the question of why I live this way and where I get these psychological traumas.