Love and porn: Is it possible to watch it if you are in a relationship
The ethical nature of pornography is still controversial. women's rights advocates. The liberal wing offers to watch only feminist porn, where actresses should be treated well, because the directors are women. More radical activists believe that porn in any case turns out to be sexual violence and leads to unrealistic expectations from women, their bodies and physical abilities.
Nevertheless, porn is alive, the majority gazes at it, albeit with different regularity. And already this fact itself still causes a diametrical reaction among the partners - from resentment, jealousy or, on the contrary, enthusiasm to ethical rejection. We talked to people who were thinking about the compatibility of porn and monogamous relationships, and learned how to bring eroticism to divorce or talk about problems in a couple, and where the boundary of what is permissible in relationships goes. (All names are changed at the request of the heroes.)
By porn, I myself am calm. I know that at the beginning of the relationship, both I and my (then future) husband both watched him - we lived with my parents, and had sex less often than we would like, but the desire remained. With the start of living together, porn itself somehow went away - it seems to me that the need for it simply disappeared when regular sex appeared.
Now I look at him extremely rarely (for example, when my husband leaves) and almost always tell - although he is quite at ease with this. The husband, it seems, no longer looks at him — well, or at least he does not tell me about it. Once we tried to watch porn together, but it turned out to be stupid, but not exciting - when you are two, it becomes funny how the events on the screen look unnatural and playful.
I think porn has nothing to do with treason - after all, these are completely different things. At the same time, it can have a great effect on the relationship in a couple or be a disturbing bell. If you watch porn together, to understand what you like or get horny - that's okay. If the partners are far apart or one of them is temporarily unable or unwilling to have sex, and the second decides to watch porn - this is okay. But if one of you deliberately chooses porn instead of sex with a partner over and over again - I think this is at least a reason to think about what is happening in a couple and what a person is trying to find in porn, what he lacks in a relationship.
In addition, it is important to be critical about pornography: the majority of videos are dominated by the male gaze (the male perspective is peculiar to it), there are many behaviors in it that I am not ready to adopt, and I would not want my partner to think that this is how it should be because I have seen it in porn many times.
I love porn. Like most of my friends and, I venture to suggest, millennial men in general, I regularly watch him from middle school age, I know hundreds of actresses and actors by name and on a particularly strong procrastination wave, I may well fall into an hour and a half trip through Pornhub, and if circumstances allow , then repeat it three or four times per day. Although over the years, of course, you become wiser, and, as with alcohol and junk food, you try to limit yourself.
With regard to porn and relationships, in my opinion, the first can only be useful, and all these pugalki about the inconsistency complex and inflation libido should be left to the readers of Men's Health and Cosmo. And then, I really think that this huge industrial generator of fantasies makes our sex better and more diverse, and appeals to "natural" sound like calls to leave shopping centers back to the forests and caves.
In this relationship, I naturally watch less porn - even when you live alone, it is much more pleasant to wait for a meeting with a partner or to do sexting. Now, starting to watch pornorolik, I remember a partner and the video fades into the background before the fantasy of a real person. Still, sex in a monogamous relationship is not just a robbery of a candy store, but rather an important inner work, including, among other things, altruism, active empathy and concentration.
I think if you cannot spend even a minute without desires and images imposed from outside, whether it be porn, instagram or Asos, you may be just a so-so person, and the problem lies deeper. I have no problems with the fact that my girlfriend from time to time masturbating on video with gangbangs, but I can not stand people who at a meeting at the bar suddenly start to stick to the phone, forgetting about the person who is sitting opposite.
I do not think viewing porn is a betrayal, and my rejection lies on a different plane. For example, I am fine with the fact that my partner will read erotic stories, but he doesn’t have to keep watching the camera’s rape views.
I broke up with one of my partners when I asked him about porn and prostitution. He said he did not support sex work, but sometimes watches porn. I tried to explain my opinion, but after listening to the classic phrase that this is a woman’s choice, I broke up with him. Parting was influenced not only by his answer - he is a creative person, and in what he does, sexist motives often flash. Now we communicate as friends, but he does not attract me at all. I think my other former partners also watched porn - just at that time it did not bother me. The current guy seems to understand me and not support this industry.
Porno affects the very perception of sex and female physiology. Men consider it normal for sexual abuse of women to be due to pornography. I’m not only talking about real life - drawn porn replaces normal women with unrealistic creations with a child’s face, a dystrophic body and a fifth breast size, always ready for anal sex, BDSM and other self-indulgence. So I try to talk about the dangers of porn not only to my partners, but also to my friends - fortunately, in most cases this makes people think.
I normally think about what people are watching, not being in a relationship. So you can overcome sexual loneliness. Perhaps someone just carry away these videos from the point of view of cinema. But porn in a relationship, in my opinion, offends both partners.
Why do I need a man in this case? If he wants sex - I'm there. And if you like to look at others (for example, girls with a different skin color or breast size) - let them go and look for the one that looks like them. Porn makes me feel unwelcome and humiliated. Besides, I am personally ready for experiments, but they should be discussed in the course of a reasonable dialogue, and not compensated by pornography.
My ex-husband was constantly watching porn, although he kept it from me with all his might. And I have repeatedly said that it humiliates me and does not suit. “I love you, so I’ll not look anymore,” he said. Then I went into the room, heard the groans, and he in a hurry turned off the computer. As a result, we divorced, and his love for porn was one of the reasons. I do not tolerate lies and people for whom porn actresses are more important than me.
I feel good about porn, it's even better to watch it together - it's great and interesting. In addition to general educational things, you can understand that your partner likes more or less. You can poke a finger on the screen and say: "I want to try this." And try.
The guy and I did this at the beginning of the relationship quite often, because we tried to find different options, test the ground. Now I know more about his preferences and I can come up with something new from old methods, and he also understands what I like. So now we watch porn much less often. The only disputes that arose between us were not about whether or not to look at us, but about the choice between a porn parody and something spiritual and dramatic. Although it is important to understand that no such film is watched to the end.
It seems to me that if a person is jealous of his partner for porn or his own hand, it means that he has problems with self-esteem and needs to do something about it. The partner obviously will not run away to America to a blonde with a big breast or a brunette with a big penis, because in relationships it is not this that is important, but warmth, love and ingenuity.
In my opinion, watching porn in a relationship separately or together is absolutely normal. Like how to go to the park or not to go - someone does it, someone does not, and there is nothing strange in one or the other. Viewing porn, I just do not consider a kind of treason. But if a person has some kind of stubborn attraction to a particular actor or actress, if he is tied to a particular image, it already forces one to be wary. Such a targeting directed me, perhaps, would have strained. But, probably, to the same extent as would be embarrassed to immense adoration of any image, even Natalia Poklonskaya, even a female cat.
But in the relations the parties have certain obligations that they themselves establish. If my partner, say, was very much against the fact that I watched porn, I would either have to convince him, or really stop, or leave this partner. Looking in secret would be a lie and a violation of the contract, but getting into the browser’s browser history is also not very cool.
Because of porn, I had a couple of awkward moments in a relationship. For example, when I was shown something unpleasant and unacceptable to me, but the person clearly liked it. It became clear that there was some difference between us, some formidable chasm. This relationship eventually collapsed due to differences in temperament, and controversy over porn became a marker rather than a cause.
More porn can cause unrealistic demands. And not only to partners, but also to themselves. You can engage in self-destruction for quite a long time, asking why your face is not as pleased as that of a porn actress. Maybe I'm generally frigid? But, of course, this is not worth concentrating.
And I also assume that some things that seem attractive and desirable to people after watching erotic films might not like them at all if they happened in real life. One of my friends once got drunk, told how porn provokes him, in which women and men mutually hurt each other and how he would like to try it actually. I can not, of course, claim, but it seems to me that he had little idea how the blows, punctures, etc., that he described, are felt in reality. It seemed to me that he was simply attracted by a mirage, and if he tried to realize his fantasies, he would be terribly disappointed. You expect that everything will be as cool as on the screen, but in the end it's scary, painful and in any way. But, I think, it is possible to better understand yourself with the help of porn - to peep new things that had never occurred to me before.
To be honest, I never really cared if my porn partner looked when I wasn’t around or not. It seems to me important to distinguish between sexual fantasies, of which pornography and reality can be a part of the world. Far from every idea of porn will bring the expected satisfaction, realized in life - in this sense, pornography can take on certain costs without risk. I also watch porn - and when I am in a relationship, and when alone. First, pornography is a logical companion of masturbation, whose use for relieving stress and studying your own body is pointless to deny. Secondly, a good way to learn your own mechanisms of arousal.
The concept of betrayal for me lies more in the emotional rather than the physical field, and it is quite difficult to attach to the pornographic image and, as a result, to replace it with the physical one. Still, relationships are not only sex, but also a feeling of intimacy, affection, support, tactility. You can fantasize (and, as a result, project these fantasies to watch porn) about anything — as for me, this has little to do with real cheating.
In addition, today we live in an unusually sexualized world and in one day we can see as many erotic images as we would not have seen in our entire life a hundred years ago. In this case, it is not clear where to draw the line: if my partner got excited from the film “Adel's Life”, is this a betrayal too? Should I blame myself if I experienced arousal after stumbling on a sexing with an ex? I think you need to give both yourself and your partner a carte blanche for fantasies that we will not share with anyone, and to allow that both of you are conscious enough to leave these fantasies in your head.
Of course, it is important here not to cross the line and not to substitute the real experience that can be gained with a partner, an imaginary experience. Frequent masturbation naturally reduces the interest in sex, and ideal images from commercial pornography can enslave and shake the attitude to your own body. These are the harmful consequences of watching porn, which I discussed with my partners and friends - many were caught in this bait.
It would not be superfluous to emphasize that sex in mainstream pornography itself is stereotyped to the limit: videos end immediately after cumshots, girls artificially moan and try to appease men with all their strength. We can only guess at their own feelings. Even lesbian sex is most often shown exactly the way men would like to see it. Therefore, to use porn as a benefit is not worth it - in reality, sex is still a bit more complicated and much more exciting. But I don’t see anything wrong with looking at some ideas or relieving tension in the absence of a boyfriend. And certainly in 9 cases out of 10 it is better to spend the evening on porn, than with a dubious or toxic partner.