Why are we afraid of the new in sex?
ALL WE HAVE GROWN THE MASS OF QUESTIONS TO THEMSELVES AND THE WORLDwith which there seems to be no time or need to go to a psychologist. But convincing answers are not born when you talk to yourself, or to your friends, or to your parents. We started a new regular section where professional psychotherapist Olga Miloradova will answer pressing questions. By the way, if you have them, send to [email protected].
Why are we afraid to talk about sex and try new things?
One hundred percent way to spoil any discussion is to start talking about sex. Adults and educated people are beginning to slack off bikes from the category "one is my friend, you do not know her," they are trying to find analogues to the concept of handjob, but they surrender, discussing the inability of the Russian language to sex terminology. It’s not just a matter of vocabulary - to try something new in sex is even harder for most people than talking about it. Why is this happening and what to do about it?
Olga Miloradova, psychotherapist
According to a number of studies, we are so afraid to try something new, which often we prefer not quite happy with us, but a well-known routine. Everything that is unknown to us, we perceive as a potential threat to our security. In many ways, this same fear prevents us from experimenting with sex. In addition, additional difficulties are created by the fact that another (at least) person is involved in this. Accordingly, we cannot take and try something that he does not want, but in order to find out what he wants and what he likes, we need an honest and very frank conversation, which even people in long-term relationships are often not ready for or maybe they are not ready.
Try to tell your partner, at least five years later, that he, for example, is not strong in cunnilingus, or that you do not experience an orgasm every time, or maybe you don’t experience it at all, but at one time you had a foolishness to pretend it, then went on the thumb track. Therefore, frankness should be the main rule between you and your partner. And it comes complete with trust and respect for each other, because what the hell you should be frank with someone you don't trust.
Even if all of the above between you is present, then all the same there is often a fear: will I not show my partner a pervert if I confess to my sexual fantasies? Characteristics such as "perverted", "shameful", etc., are very relative. If adult adults, by mutual agreement, want any experiments, this is their complete right, respectively, if these experiments concern their two, or someone else, who also gave their voluntary consent to this.
It’s perfectly normal if you think any harmless things can scare your partner.
In addition, this is why it was primarily about trust and mutual respect - if you value a person, you are unlikely to scoff at him, which, at first glance, he would not offer you a strange and shocking. Therefore, you have the right to expect understanding from him. It is important that the idea was not just voiced and immediately thrown into horror in horror, but that you honestly try to discuss all the pros and cons, everyone thought carefully, no matter how much the prospect frightened you. It’s perfectly normal if you think that some harmless things can frighten your partner and vice versa. Say, one of you wants to take home porn, and the other categorically refuses. Maybe the matter is banal constraint - not everyone is happy with his body and is ready to look at it from the side, or maybe, despite all the trust now, some of you fear that with a potential quarrel the video can be used against it.
In addition to the fear of being a pervert, there is also the fear of appearing a hypocrite. How can you refuse, for example, from anal sex, when, it would seem, all around him do? Or how to admit that you do not like the endless exhausting sex all night long and that, perhaps, horror of horrors, you do not even want to have an orgasm every time? Those times when a man ignored women's orgasms and quietly fell asleep after 5-minute frictions, sank into oblivion. Now it is often possible to face the reverse problem when your partner is ready to die, but to bring you to orgasm, and instead of getting pleasure, it turns into a sporting event. Once again, because it is really important: as long as you are not honest with each other, you can not rely not only on new joyful experiments, but even on the pleasure of something trivial. Not everyone can read your thoughts, not everyone will understand what a groan from pleasure and what from pain, you can be irresistibly squeamish in some aspects and it’s better to honestly admit it than to clench your teeth and don’t want to do something . And yes, you have every right to give up something, especially if you absolutely clearly understand that this is definitely not for you. Anyway, many changes are less terrible if they occur slowly and gradually. Start with small experiments, small steps will help you gain confidence. Learn not to reject immediately, but feel free to say no at the right moment.