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"When to marry, when children?": Same-sex couple about the birth of a child in Russia

In Russia, even to live, being a representative of the LGBT community, not easy, so what to say about building a family. Many have familiar same-sex couples who move abroad in order to provide themselves and children with a more comfortable environment. We talked with Sasha and Olesya, who decided to have a child and raise him in Moscow: they found out how they came to this decision, what it was like for an same-sex couple to go through ECO and how their choice influenced relations with colleagues and parents.

"I am on the last week, at the finish line. Already about to give birth. By this moment, Sasha and I walked all those four years that we were together," Olesya, a 31-year-old art historian and expert in international relations, begins the conversation. “Our acquaintance happened in the thematic club and started as a regular story one night stand, without any plans for the future. But we quickly realized that our views on life are the same, and began to live together,” picks up the 27-year-old stewardess Sasha.

Relations and the LGBT community

Olesya: There was no talk "Everything, we are a couple." I liked that everything happened naturally, without any special arrangements. At some point, you notice that the person has brought some of his things to you, you already exchange keys, then he buys the carrier and leads your cat to the vet (and you think: "Oh, but before that I was the only one "). Gradually, out of such trifles, we developed an understanding and a feeling that we were together for a long time and seriously.

Sasha: The fact that in the Russian LGBT community relations exist underground and this often does not allow them to grow into something more, is true. Our case of a serious relationship, rather, a rarity. That is, we are two girls of "feminine format", with installation on the family and children, this is our conscious choice. While often in the thematic get-together you can watch those who have men on the side, and for them the connection with a woman is an adventure. In principle, they cannot even imagine that something serious can come of it. For them, relationships as a social institution are associated only with a man. In general, it seems to me that many lesbians are confused - and they are beginning to slide into stereotypical extremes. For example, to hide their femininity, to follow the male model of behavior in relationships in every way, when this, in fact, is not necessary.

The decision to have a baby

Olesya: I had a statement that if I didn’t meet a loved one before thirty and didn’t create a family, I give birth to one. It was not a vanilla-mustache desire from the series “a child is the meaning of life” or “for every woman is happiness”. When our story with Sasha began, literally two months later I told her that, they say, I wait until thirty, and either you support me, or ... At that time Sasha was silent. I became thoughtful. The first thought was that I frightened her by forcing events. On the other hand, I thought that it was probably a good thing that she didn’t say anything at once - that is, she took it seriously. Then I let this topic go. A month later, Sasha said: "Bring me a son." And then I didn’t have words, I just hugged her and kissed her. And now I’m waiting for my son ñ everything Sasha wanted.

Sasha: Olesya's remark that she wants a child up to thirty sounded not ultimatum for me, on the contrary, very delicately. Not that with this phrase they pinned me to the wall. But this conversation was four years ago, when I was 23 years old, and I did not understand what children were. I didn’t even have a feeling of tenderness - well, there, when young girls see babies and fall into ecstasy. But when I began to think about the child in the context of our relationship with Olesya, my perception changed. I realized that with this man I would like that. Olesya and I always formed like gears in everything, and I quickly realized that we had developed in this matter.

Olesya: After this conversation, there was no such thing that we immediately rushed to give birth. Rather, it was that conversation, when the couple should have an understanding of how much their long-term goals coincide. Then we traveled for a long time, enjoyed each other - the period when you are young, beautiful. A lot of sex, new experiences, complete freedom of action. We are pleased to have allowed ourselves a few years of carelessness before having a baby.

IVF and donor selection

Sasha: We traveled a lot more because, in our case, having a baby is a very expensive process, and we understood that even a long time after the birth of a baby, we could not afford much. We began to learn about the options and options for how to have a child, exactly one year ago, before Olesin's birthday. Read forums, thematic groups. As a result, we understood that we see two optimal variants for ourselves. This is an artificial insemination, when the sperm is injected into the uterus, and IVF. The first option fell off on medical records, and we decided on the second.

Olesya: Of course, it would be ideal to go the way, when Sasha would have an egg, fertilized her, then implanted me ... But this is a very difficult path and tremendous stress for the body. Therefore, we stopped at IVF. I do not see a problem in this, I believe that a child born by me will be as much in love with Sasha as if we went the other way.

Sasha: The donor was chosen in one of the sperm banks in Moscow. There is still a very large network of sperm banks "Krios" - there are the most complete forms of donors. You can hear his voice, watch his children's photos - but such centers exist only in Europe. In Moscow, nothing of the kind was found. Therefore, we chose a donor according to the criteria that were available in the center where we stayed.

We did not have any exorbitant requirements, we sought to ensure that the donor was the most similar to us and Olesya. To have less questions. That is, we chose a blond with bright eyes, tall. Our donor also has two university degrees in Moscow State University, he is 26 years old. Of course, thinking about why the guy will go to "surrender" to the sperm bank. Probably mainly because of the money - they are well paid, plus thoroughly examined. Although the head is difficult to fit - how to live, knowing that you may have a child, and not one. But this is a completely different question.

Pregnancy

Olesya: When all the tests were done, the necessary preparations were made, the doctors conducted an IVF procedure with me. I will not go into details, it is no secret how this happens.

After the egg cell was planted to me, an exciting, but also very difficult moment began. You do not know whether it turned out or not, you need to prick injections in the stomach, the tension flows into hysterics. Sasha was very supportive of me, imbued with my condition - endured everything, my tears, whims.

Sasha: It was very hard. In fact, you are waiting for your period to begin or not. If it starts, it means it failed. I remember when Olesya still had the first signs that menstruation was approaching. Doctors said that a small discharge could be, even if you managed to get pregnant. And we tried to believe, lived for several days with hope, until we realized that everything started a full menstruation, and this means that we did not succeed.

Olesya: I remember this moment when we were confirmed at the doctor’s office that I was not pregnant. I had a tantrum, I burst into tears right in the office. Then we kind of exhale. But to accept the fact that magic did not happen was not easy. But time passed, and we decided on a second attempt. Sasha had to fly to the flight, and I had to go through the whole process alone.

Sasha: And the second time it happened.

Olesya: The first unsuccessful attempt very much undermined us emotionally, sobered or something. Therefore, enchanting joy, when doctors confirmed the pregnancy, we have not experienced. Rather, be careful - if only then everything was fine.

I absolutely did not want a boy. I had a fear of raising him to make a normal man.

Sasha: Olesya began a terrible toxicosis, just horrible. And I did not find a place for myself that she was suffering, and I could not help her in any way. Of course, her mood jumped, whims and other "illnesses" of pregnant women appeared, but I reacted to everything, as it seems to me, stoically. She always supported her - even stopped drinking alcohol. That she did not have the feeling that I relax as she can not.

Olesya: In my mind the whole pregnancy was spinning the thought: "If you want to check the other person's feelings for you, get pregnant." Because if someone puts up with you in such a state, that’s definitely love. I was unbearable!

Olesya: We initially decided that we will recognize the floor. Many couples prefer not to. By name was a persuasion. If a girl is born - I call, if a boy - Sasha calls. Of the men while we like the name Maxim. But, of course, I want to give birth, to look at him - maybe a completely different name will suit him.

I really wanted a girl, absolutely did not want a boy. I had a fear of how to educate them, what they need to do in order to get a normal man, and not one of those that I have to observe in public transport - which from childhood they lick, pity and lift up self-esteem to the skies, at that not cultivating respect for women's rights. This is my experience of communication and perception of men in Russia. And yes, he has nothing to do with the fact that I am a lesbian.

Sasha: By the way, in the metro Olesya in the ninth month of pregnancy, the place is inferior most often to women. Men sitting next to each other usually lower their eyes on the telephone.

The views of parents and coming out

Olesya: Question from mom "When to get married, when kids?" I heard from my mother about sixteen. But if earlier these were questions with an eye to the future, then after twenty-five they began to sound to the forehead. For my family it was very important that I realized this way. And if I married a man, gave birth to a child according to the traditional scheme, then I would be terribly proud, with joy I would buy an apartment and all that. I bring Sasha into the house and tell me how it will be - there will be huge problems. I will have to explain to the adults of the Soviet generation why it is normal that our son will not grow out of slaps.

Therefore, a legend was invented for my parents that I had an unhappy love. Well, that was a boyfriend, then we broke up, and I found out that I was pregnant. And since in my family there is a sharply negative attitude towards abortion, the question of not giving birth was not even raised. Mom immediately clearly delighted. Dad is a man of severe hardening, without sentiment. I was waiting for some emotional reaction from him, but this did not happen. That is, my dad finds out that he will soon become a grandfather, and his first question is: "Will you file alimony?" - despite the fact that our family does not need alimony at all.

I'm not going to talk to parents about the real situation. Although I admit the idea that we may be thinking worse about our parents ... Maybe they would have understood. We have never really talked about the LGBT community in the family. Once just flashed, my mother said that, well, oh, and you imagine, it turned out that our friend has a lesbian daughter, and you do not accidentally? I freak out, with a nervous chuckle issued: "No, Mom, what are you." It probably saves me that I look feminine, and my parents have the most terrible stereotype in their heads that a lesbian is something rude and masculine.

Sasha: My parents are in the know. And in my case, to communicate with them was an emotional impulse - the conversation occurred unexpectedly for me. I realized that if I told my mom, it would be easier for me. After all, it is hard to constantly invent stories about some boys, love stories - to lie, in one word. For me, this condition was painful, especially when questions are being poured for no reason at all and you need to come up with answers to them online. In the end, I scribbled a letter to my mother, could not tell everything by phone. Crossed, sent. She told Olesya that she decided to open up to her mother.

Parents said, they say, Sasha, well, you're probably alone there in Moscow, hard to find a suitable man

Olesya: It happened six months after we started dating. I then thought: "Damn, well, why!" I already had a story before when a girl told her parents - and the nightmare began: they started to climb, get in the way.

Sasha: And then, together with Olesya, we begin to wait for an answer. Day, two ... Silence. I'm getting nervous: probably, they didn't understand me. In the end, I decide to call my dad, and it turns out that my mother went to the operation, which she kept in secret. I understand that she did not read the letter, and I begin to reproach myself that she has such a difficult period, and then I still climb with revelations. When my mother came to, she read the letter and answered me. There were many different moments, but the main message made me very happy. She said: "The main thing is that you are happy." I asked her not to tell her dad, but she could not share with him ...

Olesya: There was a moment of justification, such a purely Soviet one, that, they say, Sasha, well, you're probably alone there in Moscow, hard for you, you can’t find a suitable man. This, of course, is fundamentally wrong - to perceive our union as a forced measure, and not a conscious choice, but the main thing is that her mother tried to understand and accepted Sasha's choice.

Sasha: After some time, mom and dad came to us in Moscow. When I asked my mother not to dedicate dad to my personal life, it is because he is a very conservative, old school person. I think he still does not fully understand our relationship. However, she and Olesya became friends very well, he constantly sends her regards to her, and is interested in her well-being.

Olesya: Yes, and with my mother Sasha, we are very close. Moreover, Sasha told me even earlier that we and her mom will definitely be friends, because they are very similar. With her comfortable. After the first inevitable moment of embarrassment, everything went well. It's great that Sasha's parents do not climb, do not "treat" her. Nevertheless, I am aware that our son, rather, will not be perceived by them as a grandson, despite the fact that Sasha will consider him to be his own. And I understand that.

Positioning yourself in society

Sasha: All the while hiking in the centers and clinics positioned themselves as sisters. I appear in all documents as a confidant, to always be there.

Olesya: When you come to the center, you fill out a huge pile of questionnaires with very personal questions. Until when you lost your virginity and other moments of sexual sense. But the most interesting thing is that at the end of the contract, which we concluded on IVF, there were also two questionnaires - and the second ... for the husband. I remember when I said that she was not needed, the staff were very surprised. Probably, they could not understand why I want to become, as they thought, a single mother.

Sasha: Yes, such a reaction of the staff was read constantly. Everyone had a dumb question in their eyes.

Olesya: In cooperation with society, we are saved by what we look like feminine. Also similar. Most often we are mistaken for sisters. And all our touches are attributed to the quivering relationship. But I assure you that if we looked more masculine, then there would be conflicts unequivocally. And given the addition to the family, we do not need them. Even about the photo shoot for this material, at first they wanted to do it with open faces. Friends made us feel better about how then this might come about, - now there are a lot of crazy activists who pursue same-sex couples.

Sasha: For neighbors and acquaintances who do not know, we will adhere to the position "sister and I". Under the pretext that Sasha lives with me to help. At work, I only know some of the guys with whom we became close friends.

Olesya: And I'm not working now, for obvious reasons. I have two higher educations, I worked as an art historian at the Art4.ru contemporary art museum, then the crisis struck, and they cut me off. Then I worked at the Foreign Ministry, but I quickly realized that my personal life would always have to be hidden there forever, homophobia was there in the air, and secondly, I realized that a woman, no matter how talented she was, would have to build a career many times longer. than a man. As a result, she was engaged in translations before pregnancy.

Maternity hospital, discharge and future

Olesya: There was no choice among maternity hospitals - there are not so many good ones. Everyone says that the best PMC in Sevastopol, we were there, but it is rather the most expensive. And the quality is almost the same as in the district clinic. Found another, under the contract gave 300 thousand, this is a middle category. Another 100 thousand were treated for the first month and a half, while I went to the doctor, tested various tests, and underwent examinations. So far, childbirth itself, without taking into account IVF attempts, cost 400 thousand, but this account remains open - today the unit was leaked 800 rubles per day. It seems that I don’t need him, but I don’t want to argue with the doctor either.

Sasha: From the statement the event will not arrange. Sasha and I are self-sufficient in this regard, like Sherka with Masherochka. Maximum photos in Instagram for friends lay out.

Olesya: About self-sufficient - this is true. Childbirth will begin, perhaps Sasha will be on the flight, and nothing, I will call the doctor, everything will be all right. Yesterday, for example, Sasha was also on the flight, I myself was assembling a bed from Ikea. From the necessary bought everything, but at a minimum. There is no experience, but they advise everything different. The room now has a cot, a changing table, a big bed for me, so as not to interfere with Sasha, when she needs to sleep before work.

Sasha: Yes, I also think that these are organizational moments. Вопросы, на которые нам только предстоит ответить, появятся в будущем. Сложности начнутся тогда, когда ребёнок, например, отправится в детский сад, будет видеть, что кого-то забирают папы. Будет спрашивать: "Где мой?" Или его будут спрашивать, где его папа.

Олеся: Понимаем, что нам нужно будет объяснить сыну, что у него две мамы, мы постараемся это сделать. Рассказать, почему так получилось, сделать так, чтобы он этого не стеснялся и, если что, всегда мог дать отпор сверстникам. We'll tell him that there are different family formats that he needs to take from birth, the color of your eyes, gender, parents. I think we will succeed. Of course, it is difficult to talk about this in advance, but we are already thinking a lot about it now.

Sasha: I am afraid that when the son becomes a conscious person, he will want to know who was the donor, that is, his father. Especially in adolescence.

Olesya: I also prepare myself in advance for this moment. But I would like to raise a person who will appreciate what he has, and not what could be.

By the way, there are a lot of heterosexual families around us, and we look at them - and not to say that we see examples to follow. We do not feel that if our child grew up in such a family, he would be happier than with us.

P. S.

By the time of publication, Olesya and Sasha had a son, Maxim Alexandrovich. Aleksandrovich - in honor of Sasha.

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